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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344813">The Secrets We Keep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/folhetimxxi/pseuds/folhetimxxi'>folhetimxxi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>No Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Original Character(s), personal work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:54:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26344813</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/folhetimxxi/pseuds/folhetimxxi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I think AO3 is an organized space to visualize my story, so I'll post it here.</p><p>A story of high school students in Brazil and the daily secrets they keep. It gets gay.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Everyboy has a secret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>English is not my native language, but I feel more comfortable writing in it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everybody has a secret.</p><p>Especially at such a rigid and strict school as Our Lady of Light Academy. </p><p>Catholic tradition demands purity, honesty, repentance. But behind the facade of devout students there are buried secrets and confidential stories. </p><p>Embarrassments that you only share with your closest friends. I, for once, know the secrets my best friends keep.</p><p>I have known Jasmine, Ana Beatriz, Inês and Luísa ever since we were 6 years old. And we have been inseparable ever since.</p><p>In 4th grade, Ana Beatriz or Anabê as we call her, accidentally killed the class pet. It was a slimy greeny fellow whom all the kids loved. She was supposed to feed him for the day, but got distracted by the swings and forgot. The pet was dead the next morning. Nobody knew why and Anabê swore she gave him food. And we kept her secret, because friends do that, even if they commit manslaughter, or… frog slaughter.</p><p>In the following year, we went on a field trip to a petting farm. We were riding quadricycles around the facility, the guide leading the way. Inês got lost and ran over a duck. She buried him by the side of the road and found us later, completely covered in mud. She told everyone she fell off the ride, but she revealed the truth to us. And despite the hit-and-run we stuck to her side, obviously.</p><p>When we were 13, Luísa, or Luli, had spicy beans for lunch and then met us for a group project at Rafa Yuen's house, or China, like everyone usually calls him. She has had a crush on him ever since the beginning of time. However, nerves and chilly were a bad combination and she clogged his toilet. We came to her rescue and this story was never repeated again.</p><p>On Jasmine's 15th birthday she ended up hooking up with João Fernando and she even felt his bulge overpants. This secret is also probably shared by Fer and his mates, but never openly discussed.</p><p>My secret, however… If you’d ask my friends they’d say that was the time I got my period in Santiago’s houseparty in sixth grade. I stained his couch and Santi thought his dog was sick and took him to the vet immediately, ruining the party. I told my friends and we left quickly. But despite the shame of getting my first ever cycle in the party of the boy considered the cutest in school, that is not my secret.</p><p>No one knows it of course. Because that would be my ruin. And I was very good at hiding it. It had never been a problem, really. But then, the first year of high school knocked on the door, and keeping secrets was getting harder and harder.</p><p>“Dalila Mendez Coelho! What do we owe you the honor of showing up on the first day of school?” Luli asked me playfully as I arrived in school.</p><p>My four best friends were sitting on the benches at the school’s entrance. It was about 6:30 in the morning and the place was still empty. I wasn’t used to going to the first day of school. It was always so noisy and all the hugging and shouting gave me anxiety. I preferred the second day, the ecstasy had died down, but you didn’t miss any school work, which would also give me anxiety.</p><p>“Trying a new thing… Is the list out yet?” I asked, hugging Luli. The other girls stood up to hug me as well. Jas was sporting a reddish tan, Anabê wasn’t wearing braces and Inês had gotten her hair cut a little. They looked like my friends, not much had changed since being in middle school, but the new air of high school was already brushing on their faces.</p><p>“Hum, we haven’t checked it.” Inês said. She ran her hands through her beautiful and perfectly braided brown hair. “We were waiting for you.”</p><p>“Let’s go, then”. Luli decided and we all followed the path under the canopy of trees overhead. We reached the main patio. Some kids were already there. Mostly middle schoolers. The signs with the class lists were standing right in the middle of the round plaza, next to the Saints Fountain.</p><p>“Ana Beatriz… Dalila… Inês, Jasmine… and… Luísa. Great! We are all in the same class. Third year in a role!” Said Anabê, really excited.</p><p>“Yeah, 7th year was terrible. Let’s not have a repeat of that…” Jas laughed.</p><p>“What about Pérola? Do we have to face that bitch all year again?” Asked Luli.</p><p>I checked the list and didn’t see her name for A, but soon spotted Pérola  S.  Rivero at the list for 1B.</p><p>“We are free of her.” I said and Luli breathed out of relief loudly.</p><p>It was a known fact that Luli and Pérola were sworn enemies. We weren’t even sure what made them hate each other so much. Most people just stayed out of their way and got along with everyone. But if you were best friends with one of them, like we were Luli’s, you had to hate the other.</p><p>“Ah, China isn’t in our group.” Sighed Luli</p><p>Her crush on him was long and probably painful. He was quiet, mysterious and hot. And not at all interested in the drama Luli provided. He had never even looked at her. But she was obsessed with him since sixth grade.</p><p>“There are some new kids." Jas pointed out. </p><p>"Really, who?" Luli asked curiously.</p><p>"A girl in our group. Eduarda S. Dioli. And a guy in B, Bento V. Mourão." Jas read the names. "Ah, we didn't get the boy. What if he is hot?"</p><p>We looked for anyone new. There was a group of boys from our grade across the patio laughing heartily. Some more students from higher grades sitting by the chairs of the cafeteria. I ran my eyes across the square trying to find something out of the ordinary. And I finally saw her.</p><p>She was short  and petite, her hair was pale blonde and straight,  falling across her back. She had very vivid blue eyes, slightly slanted and small. But what caught my attention the most were her lips. They were full and pink and curved into a natural smirk. She licked her lips lightly as she scanned the new environment and I felt my heart skip a beat.</p><p>Or several beats. She was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.</p><p>"Dali. DALI! Are you deaf?" Luli was basically shouting.</p><p>I was thrown out of my stupor and turned towards Luli blinking. "Maybe that is the new girl… Eduarda, right?" I pointed at the girl I was staring previously, trying to sound casual, as if I hadn't just drooled all over myself.</p><p>"Yeah! You are right. That must be her."Luli agreed. "Come on, let's go talk to her." She decided.</p><p>"What? Now?" I felt my voice leave my throat in a croaky tone.</p><p>"Yeah, before Pérola sweeps in and steals her to her side. She better know the good crowd right away." Luli laughed, a bit deviously. </p><p>"Good idea!" Agreed Anabê.</p><p>The other girls agreed and followed Luli towards the new girl who was standing in front of the cafeteria, looking confused.</p><p>I had no choice but to follow them. But I knew then it was trouble. The drumming of my heart and the faint heat I was feeling down below were indications that getting too close to that girl could completely blow my cover and reveal my secret wide open.</p><p>"Hi. I'm Luísa. These are my friends, Anabê, Inês, Dali and Jas. Are you new in school?"Luli was so upfront the girl barely had time to register.</p><p>She blinked at us confused and seemed to examine the group. "Hum. Yeah. I'm Duda." </p><p>"You are in our class!" Jas said, lively. "We were just checking the list."</p><p>"Ah, thanks. I was just going there." She thanked us and blushed a little. I held a sigh at the look of it.</p><p>"Yes, so 1A. We can help you around the school if you need." Luli offered, she intended to sound sweet but her tone always read bossy.</p><p>"Thanks. I don't know where anything is." </p><p>"Ah, you'll learn in no time. Just stick with us and you are safe." Anabê contributed and she smiled bright at us. Her eyes briefly found mine and now it was my turn to blush.</p><p>And the problem was done. I had a crush on that girl.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. My Secret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As you must have realized my secret is a huge one.</p>
<p>It is not some embarrassing thing I did at some school event. It's one of those secrets that can really turn your life around.</p>
<p>I was into girls. Being a girl myself that made me a lesbian. </p>
<p>I had known something was wrong with me for at least 4 years now. I had an unhealthy obsession with Ariana Grande in a way that no normal fan would, for much of middle school. When my friends started having crushes, I could not find any guy interesting. I couldn’t even look at China or Santi and think of them as hot. On the other hand, it was hard not to look at Raissa when she finally grew into her own. I found myself blushing, gaping and acting a fool around her for no apparent reason.</p>
<p>I only realized exactly what was going on when I saw it on TV. I remember it vividly. December, Year 8, I was watching some TV show in the living room. My parents weren’t home  yet. Two girls were having a conversation, they were having fun, they looked at each other intensely and I felt this strange heat… come over me. My eyes glued to the screen, I felt my palms sweating. And the girls on screen kissed. </p>
<p>I rewatched that scene at least a thousand times. My heart was beating so fast. I knew it meant something. Because parts of me I had never felt before had now a strange pang that it wasn’t all too uncomfortable. </p>
<p>When my parents finally arrived I turned the TV off so fast I sprained my elbow. They came home carrying an image of the Virgin Mary. The priest had asked them to take care of it for a few days and I felt like a pervert and a freak.</p>
<p>I spent most of my ninth year in school trying to ignore this feeling, this knowledge, that I was different.  Different in a way that made God frown. But it is literally impossible to refrain from these thoughts. So, by the end of the year I had just accepted it.</p>
<p>I was a lesbian. Ok. And if God had created me like that, maybe he had a plan. The only thing I needed to do was bury these feelings very deep inside me until I could decide what to do at a less… catholic environment. </p>
<p>But then, Duda arrived. And that made everything so much harder.</p>
<p>It was far easier to hide everything when your crush wasn’t sitting across from you in the cafeteria. Putting her hair behind her ear, laughing at one of the jokes, drinking water. Everything was harder to watch if you are hiding a secret.</p>
<p>I had known my best friends since I was a baby. I don’t even remember a world without them. I never thought of them as anything besides sisters. And the girls I had crushed a little on before were not close friends. Rai was Pérola’s best friend! For all she cared I was her enemy. </p>
<p>That girl from the Spanish course was even in another group! I just liked looking at her face.</p>
<p>Duda, on the other hand, was going to be a friend.</p>
<p>She was lively and fun and the girls and I conferred and everyone agreed she was officially going to be a part of our group.</p>
<p>And I better keep my weird gay feelings in check.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I Invent a Crush</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So… how are you getting used to school?” Luli asked Duda one afternoon. </p>
<p>It was the second week of school. We were getting more work from the teachers and the euphoria of having returned and being in high school had faded and the dread of the  amount of work we had to do was much larger now. </p>
<p>We were sitting by our usual place at lunch time, in the garden next to the labs. The food was already eaten and we were just laughing at the last strange and bizarre thing the geography teacher had said.</p>
<p>“Ah, not so bad.” She said, as she leaned back on her hands. Her blonde hair fell backwards and her neck was exposed. I looked away so quickly I heard my own neck cracking, and started looking very carefully at the leaves on the floor. “The teachers aren’t that much stricter than the last school I was at”.</p>
<p>“Why did you change schools?” Jas asked.</p>
<p>“Ah, my parents disagreed with some stuff there… I didn’t care much, to be honest. Everyone there was so fake.” Dusa said. There was bitterness in her tone, like something had happened and she wasn’t sharing. But the other girls probably didn’t notice because nobody asked anything related to that.</p>
<p>“People here are nicer, as you can see…” I said and gestured to the group. Everyone laughed. I’m not usually the joker of the group, but since Duda had started hanging out with us I was way quieter than usual. Luli even asked if something had happened over the holidays so I knew I had to pick up on the talking topic.</p>
<p>“And prettier too.” Luli added, throwing her hair around playfully.</p>
<p>“Ah, definitely! No doubt!” Duda agreed emphatically.</p>
<p>“Really? Do you have your eyes on any guy already? Anabê asked.</p>
<p>At the sound of the word “guy”, all the girls perked up. Inês, who was absorbed on her phone, taking photos with her new sunglasses, finally joined the conversation. Jas sat up more straight, ready to talk about her favorite subject ever. Luli laughed and sounded interested. I was right there with them. </p>
<p>I was so used to faking being interested in guys, that it was second nature to me to pretend.  I even knew what to say. “O.M.G, he is sooo hot.”, “did you see his arms?”, “I prefer when he uses his hair back”, or whatever. Most of the lines I learned by mimicking Anabê and Jas talking. But I was becoming a pro.</p>
<p>“Humm…” She brought one hand to her hair and ran her finger through it, easily and smoothly, it was difficult for me to keep a straight face, literally. “I don’t really know the guys yet. The only guy who has talked to me was Santiago…” She said, thoughtful.</p>
<p>Of course Santi had gone after her. She was obviously pretty, with her big expressive blue eyes, and the full lips smirk. And Santi was the popular guy. He was the tallest in our group, he had a strong maxilar and strong arms, I mean, I could see why any girl would be interested in him. Duda would probably be interested in him. They would look like a dream blonde couple. How would she even look my way with a guy like that in the game? I mean, I’m not bad looking, I am tall, I  have a cute button nose, my dark hair is always shining, I trim my eyebrows neatly. Of course I take care of myself. But I am very bland, mesh with the background kind of person. No way would I ever compete with Santiago Gasparini.</p>
<p>I was spiralling when I heard the girls continue.</p>
<p>“Oh, be careful with Santi. He is not reliable at all. Total dog.” Laughed Jas.</p>
<p>“Nah, he isn’t my type.” Duda said. I sighed with relief, but thankfully nobody noticed. </p>
<p>“Tall and strong, isn’t your type?” Luli sounded baffled.</p>
<p>“Blondes.” Duda said simply. “Who do you guys like?”<br/>I hated that question with all my might. But it was always there, right? So, better participate.</p>
<p>Luli talked extensively about Rafael Yuen, China, the love of her life and his brooding ways. Then Jas described basically every guy in school that was remotely attractive. Anabê gushed over Matheus from 1B and Ariel from 1A. Inês said she did not like the guys our year because they were immature and then mentioned Daniel Petrelli from 3rd year and all the girls swooned.</p>
<p>“Oh, who is him?” Duda asked, curiously looking around as if she would find him.</p>
<p>“Hottest guy in school.” It was Inês only statement.</p>
<p>“He is in a band.” I said, as if it explained why he was hot. Duda looked at me with her beautiful eyes and I tried hard not to blush. “He has tattoos too.” </p>
<p>“Oh, tattoos in a catholic school!” She whistled. </p>
<p>“Yeah, a tattoo of a tiger on his calf.” I continued. I tried to make my voice sound interested in the hairy calf tattoo, but Duda’s face was very distracting and I probably failed because she looked at me with raised eyebrows and a smirk.</p>
<p>“And you? Who do you like, Dali?” </p>
<p>Her voice was a bit husky and the way she said my name messed with my head. I tried to navigate through the libidinous feelings and search my brain for a random guy I could like. I was used to telling them I wasn’t really interested in any guy, that I was too focused on my studies. But I guess that lie wouldn't cut out in high school. I had to invent a crush. And fast. Because Duda was battling her eyelids to me and I was about to burtle out something stupid.</p>
<p>“Ahhh…” I looked around and a group of guys was playing table tennis excitedly. Elias, Noah, Davi and Henrique Sampa. They were from our year. I had to think fast. Noah and Eli were too ugly, nobody would believe that. Sampa was ok looking, but too much into football. I hate football. The only possibility would be… “Davi”</p>
<p>It all happened really fast. First, Duda was looking at me all gorgeous and then I was saying Davi and then all of a sudden all my friends were basically on top of me!</p>
<p>“You like DAVI!?” Jas shouted.</p>
<p>“OMG, Jas, please. Keep it down” I said through gritted teeth. I was already regretting my answer. I saw Duda behind the mass of girls looking amused by my friends’ reactions.  I smiled at her weakly.</p>
<p>“You like Davi?” She whispered. “Davi Ventura?”</p>
<p>“Do we know any other Davis?” I retorted.</p>
<p>“Oh, Davi. Wouldn’t have guessed…” Responded Anabê. “Although I can see why. He is kinda cute. I like his hair. It’s a bit 2010 Bieber, but he pulls it off.”</p>
<p>“He is a bit chubby, though.” Inês pointed out.</p>
<p>“He is not!” Complained Anabê. “He isn’t muscular. But he is normal. Very you, Dali. It makes sense you like a cute and nice guy like him.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I like him.” I said, trying to sound very convincing.</p>
<p>“How come you didn’t tell me before?” Luli hadn’t said anything up until that point and now she looked hurt. It made sense, she had been my best friend since kindergarten, together with Inês we have known each other the longest. I would have told them first, right?</p>
<p>“I was a bit unsure. If I really liked him. But now I am sure.” I answered.</p>
<p>“What made you realize?” Luli asked.</p>
<p>“Hum, when I saw him on the first day of classes… He looked so cute with his…” I tried to imagine what would make a guy cute. “White teeth…” I saw Inês raise her eyebrows at me.  “Beautiful smile.” I corrected it. “His smile is radiant.” </p>
<p>“Ahhh…” Gushed Anabê.</p>
<p>“And I didn’t know how to talk about it, I don’t know. I was embarrassed. But then, Duda asked and I saw my opportunity.” I answered and took the risk to look at the actual object of my affection again. She was smiling broadly and her eyes were shining and I felt my heart melt a little inside.</p>
<p>“And are you friends with him?” Asked Duda.</p>
<p>“I mean, we get along, right? He wasn’t in our class last year, or this…” I mentioned.</p>
<p>“We can get you two closer. He is best friends with Joca and Joãozinho, right? They are in our group.” Jas mentioned.</p>
<p>I don’t think I was able to hide the look of sheer panic that passed through my eyes, because they were all startled. “What?” Asked Jas.</p>
<p>“Ah, I don’t think I’m ready… To tell him yet. Let me just… Gain more courage, ok?” I asked.</p>
<p>“Of course, Dali. Whenever you are ready, we’ll get your VL card away from you.” Answered Luli and we all laughed.</p>
<p>All my friends claimed to have already kissed for the first time. Jas is obvious, she had her first kiss when she was 11 at a truth or dare game with Tim. She hooked up with Fer more than once last year and there was the bulge incident. There were also some guys from her club she claims to have made out with. We all saw Anabê’s first kiss. She kissed Ariel at the field trip last year, when we were having free time away from teachers and everyone witnessed that. Inês says she kissed Sophia Wiegand’s cousin at her birthday party last year, he was called Gustavo and was 17 years old. We don’t doubt it, because Inês is indeed breathtaking. I mean, I myself don’t have feelings for her because I have known her for too long, but I am not a blind lesbian, she is stunning. She could get a 17 year old hottie at a party, that makes sense.</p>
<p>Luli says she kissed some guy she knows from her beach apartment.  But we are not sure. Luli wouldn’t want to stay behind the crowd and although Luli is indeed pretty, her dramatic personality usually hindered her relationships with boys. We knew she meant well, but guys just want a cutie to squeeze and not someone who will try to marry him.</p>
<p>But I had never kissed anyone. My friends were starting to annoy me about that. How come I was still holding my Virgin Lips card? They tried to hook me up with anyone they saw. But I was standing my ground until now. But I guess I had opened the doors to hell by saying I liked Davi.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I will investigate his crushes, Dali.” Anabê promised. I started to protest but she interrupted. “Very discreetly, don’t worry. If they think of something, they’ll think it’s for me. Trust me.” </p>
<p>I nodded and tried to look happy, but my stomach had sunk. I wasn’t expecting my friends’ reaction and I was scared of what was going to happen from then on.</p>
<p>“So, as you can see Duda, the guys who are OUT OF QUESTION, are Davi for Dali, China for Luli, Matt for Anabê and João Fernando for Jas.  They have history. The rest are all yours.” Inês explained.</p>
<p>“So I can go after that Daniel guy?” Duda asked, teasingly. </p>
<p>“No, you can stay away from him.” Inês eyed her angrily, but her tone was playful.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry about me stealing your boyfriends, girls. I have already found the love of my life.” Duda said casually and leaned back again.</p>
<p>I felt my stomach sinking further. So she already had a crush. Not only a crush, a love of her life. Probably some beautiful dude who I would never compare. Most importantly, a guy. A man guy. And any shred of hope I could ever have was being destroyed from my heart.</p>
<p>“You have a boyfrieeeeend?” Anabê really dragged that last syllable, sounding all interested.</p>
<p>“Well.. He is not my boyfriend yet. Maybe someday.” Duda answered dreamly. <br/>My stomach hurt a little less. So it wasn’t a boyfriend. Maybe just unrequited love? It is bad, but not as bad as having to endure seeing her smooching some dude when we all go on a group hang.</p>
<p>“Not yet?” Asked Luli.</p>
<p>“He has been my friend for years.” Duda started. “I know him since first grade and he just gets me, you know? He is like, my soulmate, we like the same things, we laugh at the same jokes.” She was explaining their relationship with fire in her eyes.</p>
<p>And I should have been upset, but the way she was speaking, her hushed tone, the passion in her voice, her gestures of adoration. The only thing I managed to get was turned on. I looked at her agap while she described this random dude.</p>
<p>“And why aren’t you together?” Asked Luli, drinking her every word, as if she was describing a movie.</p>
<p>“I am afraid.” Duda said, simply. “We are friends. What if we ruin our friendship, you know?” She explained and all the girls agreed, sighing the difficulty of a complicated love.</p>
<p>“That is tough…” Whispered Jas.</p>
<p>“Yeah, and to make matters worse, he just got himself a girlfriend!” She said and everyone groaned in frustration. I joined in a bit later, trying to look upset that my crush’s crush had a girlfriend.</p>
<p>“Oh no! That is the WORST! Who is the bitch?” Inês was really invested in the story.</p>
<p>“Some girl from his gym.” She continued. “The problem is that she is nice, so it’s hard to hate her.”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you try to move on from him? There are plenty of guys here.” Asked Jas.</p>
<p>“I don’t think I can, you know. I love him too much.” Duda explained and all the girls nodded understanding. “But I think it won’t last with the gym girl. And I have decided, as soon as she is out of the picture…” She paused, for drama. “I’m making my move.”</p>
<p>Everyone cheered. Duda looked pleased with herself, having gotten all the attention from everyone like that.</p>
<p>“Can we see a picture of him?” Asked Luli.</p>
<p>“Of course.” She grabbed her phone and we all gathered around her. I sat right next to her on the grass and I could feel her perfume, a sweet fragrance of peach. She showed us a boy's instagram account.</p>
<p>He was called Julio. There were several photos of him showing his toned stomach. He had a lip ring and curly black hair. There was one photo of him with a generic-looking girl, thin, long blond hair, the caption just a heart emoji.</p>
<p>"Is she the girlfriend? I asked.</p>
<p>"Yeah, Sara. Annoyingly nice." Duda quipped.</p>
<p>There was also a picture of a big group, eight or ten people, all hugging and close. The Julio guy was hugging his girlfriend and some dude. And Duda was there. She was at the end of the line, besides another girl.  She had shorter hair which made her even cuter. </p>
<p>"What's your Instagram handle?" I blurted out. </p>
<p>"Oh yeah. We didn't exchange accounts! You can definitely follow me, it's Duda_Dioli" </p>
<p>We stalked the Julio guy for a little longer and the bell ran warning us to go to our classes. We had English and then two rounds of Religion, so we gotta be alert. We were climbing the stairs and I was falling behind a bit.</p>
<p>My legs weren’t so excited about going up the stairs. It was still trying to comprehend the rush of emotions this lunch break had made me go through. Attraction, guilt, fear, devastation, and others. I was still trying to process all of this when I felt someone lightly elbowing me.</p>
<p>It was Duda. She had an amicable look on her face.  I blushed and looked at her a bit puzzled.</p>
<p>“When you have the guts to confess to your crush and I have the guts to confess to mine, we’ll go on a double date. What do you think?” She said, cordially.</p>
<p>And the only thing I could think about is that she basically asked me to go on a date with her… Sort of…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Back in the Closet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The following week was rather stressful. </p><p>Luli and the girls kept bugging me about Davi all the time. Everytime he passed by they threw me knowing looks and elbowed me playfully. They mock kissed the air when he went away and laughed around.</p><p>Jas and Anabê, obviously were the most incisive about the whole thing. Anabê speculated with Joca about his friend's crushes and apparently he wasn’t into anyone per se. But he could be, depending on the person. </p><p>Anabê’s birthday was at the end of the month. She planned a small party at her house, but she intended to invite Davi. I didn’t have to kiss him, according to Anabê, but I could at least talk to him more.</p><p>Which was supposed to be amazing. So I acted as if it was amazing. But the only thing I did want was to talk and get to know Duda. I have to admit I stalked her Insta a lot. She took few selfies, but the ones she had I stared at it for hours, especially at night when no one could see me. </p><p>We started getting along really fine. She was fun and sarcastic. She could imitate the math teacher better than anyone, which was a great reason for me to stare at her without anyone noticing. Also, she tended to look for me for things.</p><p>There were six of us in our group, after all. Anabê e Jas were obviously closer. In the past, Inês and I kind of disputed the status of Luli’s best friend. But now we had a sixth member to the group. Due to that, Duda seemed to kind of look for me whenever we needed to be divided into pairs.</p><p>I guess I am less intimidating than Luli with her pushy behavior and Inês aloofness. We partnered up for chem classes. We sat at the tall stools and observed the experiments Kelly, the teacher, demonstrated. We giggled over how dorky and strict she was. Duda wrote me notes on my notebook mocking the infection Kelly put in her voice and I stifled my laughter with my hands. </p><p>We also sat at the church together. Every day ended with a mass delivered by Father Mauro, the school principal. It was one of the most boring events in school, even more boring than Religious studies classes. The six of us all sat at the same pew, in the back. But I realized that Duda always sat by my side. No matter where I chose to sit. And that didn’t help with my crush. </p><p>She was always so lovely, smiley, sweet. It was hard getting over the crush when the person was standing right in front of you with the prettiest smile on her face.</p><p>Friday right before Anabê’s party was probably the worst.</p><p>Music class was always a bit boring. Gabriel, the teacher, was rather young, but his classes were extremely dull. He only cared about catholic bands and groups. He was almost too obsessed with gospel music.</p><p>We were choosing songs to solo and practice on our vocal range. He had a huge list of christian songs we could choose from, but he allowed some of us to choose from more mundane artists, if approved by him.</p><p>“That is a snoozefest.” Complained Duda.</p><p>“I know. His taste in music is questionable.” I laughed. I was holding the list and Duda was looking at it over my shoulder. Jas was on the other side looking too, but I was barely aware of her presence. I got to admit.</p><p>“What are the titles of these songs?” Duda sounded baffled. “Fire of Your Love? That sounds naughty to sing to Jesus.” </p><p>“Yeah, I always find it confusing how most of the christian songs could also be easily sung to a lover…” I whispered.</p><p>“Right? It sounds like they want to bang God…” Jas whispered back. Duda and I bursted into laughter. Gabriel looked our way, brows furrowed. </p><p>“Is there anything you want to share with the group?” He asked us, politely.</p><p>“Hun, no, teacher. I was just wondering if I could choose a more… secular song...?” Duda spoke up and Jas and I were relieved she averted the attention out of our joke.</p><p>“Yes, it just has to run through me, first. There is a list of secular songs over there.” He motioned to a large folder on the corner.</p><p>Duda, Jas and I stood up and picked up the folder. We ran our eyes through the list looking for something interesting. Jas chose a Taylor Swift song from her country years. I chose an easy Katy Perry song, because I suck at singing. Duda picked “Perfect” from Ed Sheeran. Jas immediately looked at me with eyebrows raised.</p><p>“What?” She asked.</p><p>“Gabriel won’t like that.” Jas told.</p><p>“Hun? Why? Ed Sheeran is so harmless… Hey, teacher. Can I sing this song?” She pointed to the song on the list.</p><p>Gabriel read the title and briefly sang it mumbling.</p><p>“Ah, I love this song… But… I mean… It’s for boys.” He said, smiling.</p><p>Duda looked confused. “For boys?” </p><p>“Yeah, it’s a boy song.” Gabriel repeated.</p><p>“But his range isn’t so low. I think I can handle it…” Duda continued looking puzzled.</p><p>I observed Duda with a tinge of pity. She thought Gabriel was talking about vocal range when he was in fact being heteronormative (it’s when you make everything straight.) And our music teacher was the master of that. He didn’t even let us change the pronouns of songs. Boy songs were sung by boys and girls’ ones by girls. His world wasn’t going to change.</p><p>“No…” Gabriel cut her off. Now half of the class was observing the interaction. “He is a man, singing about his love for a woman.  So you can’t sing that. Choose a girl song.” He said emphatically, his bald head shining with sweat.</p><p>Everyone looked at Duda, taking in her reaction. She was expressionless for a second. Her blue eyes were a bit shocked still. The fact is that we didn’t know much about her yet. Maybe she was going to throw a fit, or cry. But she blinked twice, and said:</p><p>“Oh, ok.” And picked up the folder again.</p><p>She quietly picked a pretty Lana Del Rey song from a movie. And the subject was dropped for the rest of the class. We kept practicing whatever Gabriel wanted from us and Duda kept to herself, somewhat reflective.</p><p>When we were leaving the room to go to Geography class, she grabbed my arm and indicated  that I should stay a little behind, which was what I did. Jas,  Inês, Anabê and Luli went ahead not realizing we hadn’t left the room yet.</p><p>“What’s up with that teacher?” She asked when we finally left.</p><p>“Ah, he is like that. His word is very black and white.” I answered. We were climbing the stairs to the main building and Duda still looked bewildered by what happened.</p><p>“And is everyone like this in the school?” She asked genuinely.</p><p>“Well… People are pretty closed minded here.” I said, my tone somber. “It is a catholic school after all. Catholicism isn’t a modern institution.” </p><p>Duda laughed faintly.</p><p>“But you aren’t, right?” She asked and I looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Closed minded?” She continued.</p><p>“Oh, no.  I’m open minded.” I laughed. She had no idea how open minded I was.  My mind was so open I was willing to kiss her to prove. </p><p>We were reaching the end of the stairs already. Luli, Jas and Anabês were right ahead, talking lightly about any other subject. </p><p>“Cool! I’m just not used to that…” She continued. “My last school was regular, and pretty progressive actually. One of my teacher was openly gay.”</p><p>“Really?” I sounded sincerely surprised. I would love to have a gay teacher. He would be the first person I’d talk to, for sure.</p><p>“Yeah, he talked about his boyfriend all the time…” Duda started speaking but we had finally caught up to the rest of our friends.</p><p>“Ew, gross…” Luli interrupted.</p><p>“What?” Duda asked.</p><p>“One of your male teachers had a boyfriend. That is disgusting.” She continued.</p><p>Jas and Anabê looked puzzled, but Inês was nodding her head in agreement. I had never heard Luli’s opinion on gay people. Any of them for that matter. When I discovered I was one of the residents of the valley I avoided the subject at all costs. Better not say anything, than say something and get myself in trouble. But I was pretty shocked to discover that she was that homophobic.</p><p>“You think that’s disgusting?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even.</p><p>“Well, I mean. To each their own. They can totally be gay, I just don’t like them shoving that in my face, you know?” She continued.</p><p>“Yeah, they can be so promiscuous.” Inês agreed.</p><p>“Also, I just think it’s weird. Who doesn’t want a family?” Luli added.</p><p>I was so aghast I couldn’t even answer. I was sure my mouth was opened, but I couldn’t help it. Anabê was the one who continued the conversation.</p><p>“Can’t gay people have families?” She sounded truly confused.</p><p>“Well, who would be the mom and the dad if you’d have two of the same?” Asked Luli and nobody knew how to answer that. </p><p>Also, we had arrived at the geography room and Darlan was already in it saying a bunch of things, so we had to find a seat soon.</p><p>At the end of the day, the subject wasn’t brought up again. Duda acted as if the conversation had never happened and looked happy to discuss the party plans with the girls. Anabê was very excited about her imminent birthday and describing all the things she had bought. Jas and Inês were talking about their outfit and Luli was boasting about the amazing present she had purchased for her friend.</p><p>I tried joining in the conversation. But the revelation was still shocking to me. I knew we studied at a very religious school, and that religious people tended to be anti-gay, but my very best friends? And the ones who weren’t necessarily anti, like Jas, Anabê or Duda cared so little that nobody complained about the things Inês and Luli were saying.</p><p>I felt myself digging deeper into the closet, the fear of God striking upon me. It was hard not to freak out. I knew I couldn’t control these disgusting feelings, as Luli had gibed. But I wanted to, so bad. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to look at Duda and not feel like my stomach was somersaulting, and my entrails were burning up. I wanted to look at boys and feel something, anything. I started to consider that I wasn’t trying hard enough to like the boys. If I just tried… Maybe I wouldn’t be disgusting, right?</p><p>“Hey, Dali. Don’t worry. Davi confirmed.” Anabê suddenly said to me. I realized I was completely away from the conversation as we waited outside the church for the mass to begin.</p><p>“Hun?” I said, dumbly.</p><p>“I talked to him and he confirmed. Davi will come to the party tomorrow.  And then we’ll find a way for you guys to be alone… And… You know?” She said suggestively.</p><p>I smiled faintly. I wasn’t so excited about meeting Davi. But maybe that was my opportunity, to try harder and actually enjoy being with that guy. I just needed to do that.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Anabê's Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Unfortunately that was harder said than done.</p><p>When Saturday finally came upon us, I woke up feeling like crap. My body was hurting, my head, especially, was splitting. I didn’t feel like going to the party at all. Like my whole constitution was rejecting the idea of kissing Davi.</p><p>I texted with Luli for a bit as she was worried about her clothes. China had confirmed the attendance at the party and she wanted to look her best. I showered her with compliments, but deep down I wasn’t sure if I wanted to show up. I spent most of the morning and afternoon sulking in my bed.</p><p>My parents entered my bedroom at about 5pm. I should have been getting ready for the party, but I was moping in my bed, undercovers, watching my emotional support show on my laptop. An action show in which two of the female characters were a couple. I didn’t let anyone know I was so into that show. I felt guilt to be so invested in their relationship, but it also soothed my soul, so I kept on watching it.</p><p>As soon as they entered I closed my notebook so fast I was afraid I had broken it.  They were the last person on Earth I wanted to catch me watching girls kissing.</p><p>“Hey, Dada. Aren’t you ready for the party yet?” Yeah, dad called me Dada.</p><p>“I am not feeling very well.” I told them, in a whiny voice.</p><p>Mom sat by my bed and put her hand on my forehead.</p><p>“What’s happening, honey?” She seemed worried.</p><p>“I don’t know. I don’t feel like going…” I tried to sound sick, maybe I could get out of it.</p><p>“But it will be a simple party, isn’t it? Not a lot of people. And Ana Beatriz is one of your best friends…” Continued mom.</p><p>Anabê’s parents were pretty strict so the party wasn’t a hooray. It was a gathering of some friends from school. She probably called about 15 people, maximum. Of course she hand picked the ones that could lead to some unattended house kissing. Most of Anabê’s romance history was completely hidden from her parents. Her older sisters were exemplary, Analu had married at 18 years old and Anaflá had the same boyfriend for at least 5 years. Anabê on the other hand really wanted to experiment. But that wasn’t going to happen in her parents houses necessarily.</p><p>“Yeah, I know… I’m just…” I tried to explain, but how do you tell you very religious mom that you are upset because you are gay and you didn’t want to be and your best friends think you are repulsive?</p><p>You don’t, that’s what you do. You keep it all bottled up inside.</p><p>“Parties are so tiresome.” I concluded. “You can barely see the birthday girl because she has to say hello to everyone.”</p><p>“I know, honey. But Ana Beatriz would be really upset if you didn’t show up. Like you would if she didn’t come to your party.” Mom reasoned. Dad who was standing at the door nodded his head vigorously.</p><p>“Yeah… True.” She was right. If my best friends didn’t come to my birthday party I would kill them. “Ok, but if I want to return early, will you guys pick me up?</p><p>“Of course.” Affirmed dad. “Now, get ready and I'll take you, whenever you are ready.”</p><p>I reluctantly put on clothes. I put on a floral print cami dress in a shade of dark blue that I really liked. A pair of white Converse sneakers and my globe necklace. I tied my hair in a french braid and told my dad I was ready to go.</p><p>I sent a message to the group chat to check if any of the girls were already there, and just Jas had already arrived. Duda and Luli said they were getting ready and Inês didn’t even answer. Probably she would arrive fashionably late. That was her style. </p><p>“Dali! You look gorgeous. I love when you put your hair up” Jas complimented. She was wearing white ripped short shorts, a light pink halter tank top and a light crochet cardigan that went all the way to her knees. She was wearing a lot of makeup, which probably made her braces stand up a bit, but she looked pretty.</p><p>“Thanks, Jas. You look awesome too.” </p><p>Jas was the one who let her in when she rang the doorbell. She took us to Anabê’s garden. Her house wasn’t enormous, but it was pretty big, with a spacious garden full of flower beds and plenty of space for sitting. At the back near the wall there was a large table with the cake and sweet delicacies. The whole place was decorated in light yellow and fairy lights hung between the trees.</p><p>A few people were already there. Sophia and Gabi M who were now studying in 1B (but were in our group for many years) were sitting at a table drinking soda and chatting. The twins, Sebastian and Yohann were laughing loudly by the radio with Ariel and João Fernando. Some people from Anabê’s family were around there too. Her parents were in the open kitchen area. Her older sister Analu was talking to her husband, and some other adults I couldn’t recognize, at the deck.</p><p>Anabê was bringing in a plate of savoury treats when we entered the party area. She was wearing a red empire dress with black high heeled sandals. Her hair was all made up in an updo decorated with little flowers. She looked gorgeous and I told her that when we caught up to her.</p><p>I gave her a present, a green tank top with flower patterns, and we hugged. </p><p>“Your lover hasn’t arrived yet.” She said playfully.</p><p>I panicked for a second because my mind immediately went to Duda. But Duda wasn’t my lover and was never going to be, so I calmed down when I figured she was probably just talking about Davi. I tried to focus on him. He was cute.  I could like him. I could have feelings for him. I was going to try to have feelings for him. I shoved a bunch of coxinhas in my mouth.</p><p>“What’s the soundtrack?” I asked, so I could get distracted from her silliness.</p><p>“The boys are deciding.” She pointed at Yohann, Seb, Fer and Ariel.</p><p>Jas and I joined them and we started building the playlist while other guests arrived. </p><p>And of course that it was my luck that Duda and Davi arrived practically at the same time.</p><p>He entered first. His 2010 Bieber’s hair was combed neatly and he was wearing a simple red and white striped t-shirt, black jeans and white running shoes. He had lean arms and he was a bit round around the cheeks, but definitely not fat. He had a very clean smile and sharp green eyes and I was trying to appreciate his handsomeness when Duda entered right behind him.</p><p>Her hair was pulled in a high ponytail exposing her delicate neck. She was wearing long tear shaped silver earrings. She was wearing just a little bit of makeup on her eyes that made the blue shade really pop. Her outfit was unexpected. I always saw her in the baggy school uniform so I had no idea how her style would translate to. She had very ripped light blue jeans, black Adidas sneakers and a plain white fitted t-shirt, that…well, hugged her really pleasantly. </p><p>My mouth fell open without my awareness.  I didn’t want to be the thirsty teen, but damn, she looked really good. I tried to look at Davi again, but I was so entranced by Duda’s beauty that it was quite hard to take my eye off of her.</p><p>“He looks cute.” Anabê whispered in my ear. She probably saw my pathetic face and thought I was eyeing the boy. I was glad they had arrived at the same time. I wouldn’t have any explanation to why I was staring at Duda besides “I’m super gay”. </p><p>But not tonight. I tried to shake off that thought from my head. Tonight I was going to be super straight. I was going to spend time with Davi and I was going to enjoy it! No matter what!</p><p>“Hi, girls!” Duda approached. Davi stopped to greet the other boys near the entrance with a fist bump and our friend came to us directly. I saw that some of them were staring at her too.</p><p>“Hey Duda! You came!” Jas said.</p><p>“Happy birthday, Anabê! This is for you.” Duda said, handing the birthday girl a package. </p><p>“Thanks, you shouldn't have.” She opened the package and it was a bracelet of small golden beads with a pendant of a leaf.  </p><p>“Hope you liked it.” </p><p>“It’s so pretty, thanks.” They hugged. “Now, there is music, food on that table, and some people are playing cards at the last table over there if you guys are into it.” Anabê indicated. “I am going to say hello to those people.”</p><p>The party was enjoyable enough. Luli and Inês arrived a little later wearing pretty party dresses, Inês stunning as always and Luli pretty, but like she tried too hard. They joined us and we danced to our favorite pop hits, ate party food, drank soda and laughed at our friends’ antics.</p><p>Luli tried to spark a conversation with China, but his answers were succinct and not elaborated. Jas was heavily flirting with Fer which always led to a bit of disaster. Anabê was annoying me about Davi the whole night, saying that we should go to the balcony in front of the house because nobody was there. </p><p>I was not feeling very keen to be alone with him. But Santi arrived, and he started talking to Duda. He touched her back lightly, told her a joke and she laughed earnestly, swaying her ponytail from side to side. I felt a little sick at the sight and decided that it was time. I told Anabê that I was ready.</p><p>She squeaked and grabbed me by the arm. We approached the group Davi was standing. He was holding a plastic cup and laughing with Joca, Lina and Fiona. </p><p>I felt my heart pounding against my chest. It was like it was trying to escape the ribcage. My palms were sweating and the feeling of desperations was growing.</p><p>“Hi guys, are you enjoying the party?” Anabê asked.</p><p>“Yeah, the ham and cheese croissant is the best.” Fiona complimented.</p><p>“I only come to parties for the food, for real.” Joca continued and they all laughed.</p><p>“Yeah, man. Last year I went to Eli’s party. Did you go to that one?” asked Lina.</p><p>“Oh no. Do not remind me of that festival of suckage!” Joca laughed.</p><p>“He served cauliflower. Just like, plain cauliflower. And there wasn’t even a lot of it. Just like a plate.” Continued Lina and everyone laughed.</p><p>“I’m glad I wasn’t invited.” I said.</p><p>“Wow, you are so lucky. I’m still haunted by that…” Davi answered. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah…” I didn’t know what to say, there was a bit of an awkward silence and Anabê intervened.</p><p>“Hum, Dali. I heard someone at the door. Would you open it for me?” She handed me the keys. </p><p>I looked at it and nodded. </p><p>“Why don’t you go with her, Davi?” Anabê continued and he looked a little taken aback.</p><p>He agreed and followed me. We walked to the entrance of the house and we said nothing to each other. I had nothing to say, I was racking my brain trying to find something I coulduse to talk to Davi. I knew he was part of the youth group in church, he played the guitar, he liked music. But what kind? Probably religious? </p><p>We reached the gate and I dreaded opening it and nobody being there. What would Davi think were my intentions? But fortunately Valentim was there, preparing to ring the doorbell and looked confused that we had predicted his arrival.</p><p>“Ah! Dali! Thanks!” He said.</p><p>“Don’t worry.”</p><p>He greeted us with a hug and then entered to wish Anabê a happy birthday.</p><p>“Soooo. It’s hot today, right?” I said, casually. </p><p>“Yeah.  I am feeling kind of dumb I decided to wear jeans today.” He answered playfully.</p><p>“Do you want to go to the balcony?” I asked abruptly.</p><p>I needed to make something happen and as conversation was pretty damn hard, might as well take him up and try to kiss him right away. </p><p>He looked at me with his head cocked and then said yes. He probably already guessed that there was something going on. But he wasn't saying anything weird, which was helping, in a way.  </p><p>I led him to the first floor through the garage stairs and we arrived at the balcony that surrounded Anabê’s house. We could go to the back and observe the garden and the party from above, but I stayed at the entrance of the house and leaned against the railing, observing the calm street below.</p><p>“So, hum… it’s a nice view from here, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, it is.” I searched my brain for something to break the ice. “When we were 9, Anabê, Jas, Luli, Inês and I used to come up here with nerf guns and squirt water as far as we could. One day, I pressed so hard that it reached that house over there!” I pointed down the street. “Right into a man’s eyes! He was livid, he came running here to yell at us. We were so scared, we thought he was going to enter and kill us.” I spoke.</p><p>Davi laughed and looked at me. I was trying to focus my attention on the street, but his body motion indicated that I had to move. So I did. He studied me. He had an intense look in his eyes, like he was considering something. I was so nervous I wanted to die. Then he leaned forward a bit… And I panicked.</p><p>My reaction was to just push him. As hard as I could and he tripped back and hit his back against the railing. </p><p>“Ouch, what the f…?” He swore and steadied himself by grabbing the banister behind him.</p><p>“I…  I’m sorry… I have to…” And I ran.</p><p>I had just ruined the whole thing. I ran down the stairs and almost hit someone on the way down. I have no idea who it could have been because I bolted to the gate. I opened the door with fumbling fingers and rushed outside. </p><p>I sat on the sidewalk. My head pounding, my heart racing. I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t even be straight for two seconds. The only thing I needed to do was have a pleasant conversation with a dude and then kiss him and I failed at both. I failed so hard I almost pushed him off a balcony!</p><p>I held my face against my hands and muffled a scream.</p><p>“Hey, are you ok?” The husky voice came from behind me and when I looked back, Duda was standing there.</p><p>Her hair was untied from her ponytail and I tried not to picture how that happened because the possibilities were hurtful. She stepped forth and sat by my side on the pavement, sholdering me lightly with her shoulder.</p><p>I looked at her with a painful look on my face and said nothing.</p><p>“I saw you running down the balcony. And then Davi left like he had just lost his puppy.”</p><p>I buried my head on my hands once more.  Oh, the shame. The shame of being so inadequate in front of that beautiful person. </p><p>“Come on! You can tell me.” She pushed, but her voice was soothing.</p><p>“I ruined everything.” I said, my voice trembling. “We went upstairs. I told him a funny story. Then he looked at me like he was going to kiss me, and I panicked.”</p><p>“You ran?”</p><p>“Worse…”</p><p>“You punched him?”</p><p>I laughed. While speaking to Duda the feeling of incompetence was slowly leaving. “No, I pushed him.”</p><p>“Ah, not that bad.” She said, jokingly. “Who hasn’t pushed a boy before?”</p><p>“I hadn’t.” I said. “But I blew it with him. He must think I am a freak.”</p><p>“He does not think you are a freak.” Duda reassured me.</p><p>“He doesn’t? I almost pushed him off a balcony!” I retorted and Duda was laughing now.</p><p>“Ok, maybe he thinks you are a little weird. So what? It doesn’t mean he won’t want to be with you?”  She explained and I looked at her confused.</p><p>“Why would he want to be with me after what I did?” I was honestly confused.</p><p>“Have you looked at yourself?” She said and I felt my face blush before she even said anything. “You are gorgeous! Who wouldn’t want to be with you?” She completed, comforting.</p><p>You. I thought. Duda wouldn’t want to be with me because she isn’t a crazy abnormality like me. She was normal, and she had probably made out with Santi who had untied her hair and run his fingers through her hair. She probably sighed and jumped him and… I felt myself spiralling, so I tried to reign in the thoughts again.</p><p>“You really do think he will still like me?” I asked again.</p><p>“I am sure. You just weren’t ready for a first kiss. Nothing wrong with that.” She smiled at me and I felt a little better.</p><p>“The girls are gonna give me such a hard time when I tell them what happened.” I sighed.</p><p>“Then don’t tell them exactly what happened…” Duda proposed. “Tell them you talked to him but the opportunity to kiss him didn’t present itself and you’ll kiss him next time.” She decided and I had never been grateful for having met Duda.</p><p>Maybe my stupid crush on her was a huge mistake. But being friends with her definitely wasn’t. She was so sweet and considerate. I was happy just by getting to know her.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Mom Talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I didn’t tell exactly what happened to Davi and I at the balcony and they were disappointed nonetheless. Anabê acted like I had personally betrayed her. I assured them that the next time I had an opportunity I would make it happen.</p><p>Davi and I saw each other around the school and I was happy that we weren’t in the same class because I could only have awkward conversations with him during our brief encounters on the breaks.</p><p>Duda was right. He did not seem upset that I pushed him. He actually seemed more interested. He looked for me during lunch time to say hello and ask me how I’m liking my meatballs (which made Jas cry laughing).</p><p>Fortunately, school work was piling up so we didn’t have a lot of time to frolic in the sun. We had to study and that gave me enough excuses to not invite him to do anything anymore. Especially climbing high places. </p><p>Luiz Fernando, our history teacher, had asked a group project about ancient Egypt and we were supposed to prepare a whole presentation about it, with visuals and whatnot. He was expecting a performance. </p><p>The girls and I were obviously in the same group. We made plans to study during the week and then get together on Friday to rehearse our presentation. I offered my house because it was always empty, having no brother or sisters. </p><p>Mom only arrived after the store she managed closed and dad's schedule was even crazier and if he had to work late at his company he could arrive even later than 9pm. </p><p>The girls and I went directly from school, we ordered esfihas and kibes and started to work. It wasn’t that hard of a project. We read information online and organized the order of events and then started creating skits and posters to go along with what we learned.</p><p>I drew all the posters and made some props as well, as panting was kind of my thing. Luli was obviously in charge of the group and telling us what to do. We were used to that and actually appreciated someone leading us, but Duda seemed a bit upset that Luli complained about her handwriting.</p><p>Duda was taking the lead as the brains. Anabê and Jas weren’t necessarily known for their wits and they got most of their stuff due to charm. Actually, Luli, Inês and I almost carried those two through the school years. And the three of us were ok in school, nothing impressive, but not bad at all, but Duda was fast at grasping information and made quick connections. I mean, hot and smart. That was a killer combination.</p><p>After a lot of work we agreed to keep working on our parts until the presentation next week. Then we took a break, I made ice tea and we sat at my deck and sipped on the cold drink while laughing at the antics in school.</p><p>“Next week is China’s party, Luli. Are you excited?” Inês remembered.</p><p>“Oh, don’t even tell me.” She sighed. “I planned this amazing dress. And I’m going to try and get him alone. It’s a killer dress.”</p><p>“I bet. You’ll score!” Jas agreed.</p><p>“I know who else will score!” Anabê said and suggestively raised her eyebrows at me.</p><p>All the other girls woohooed at me as I blushed and looked ashamed.</p><p>“Shut up,” I mouthed to them.</p><p>“Ah, come on. It’s cute seeing you so embarrassed.” Said Jas.</p><p>“I will screw up. I’m sure.” </p><p>“You won’t. You will kiss him good.” Luli said jokingly.</p><p>“Yeah, he won’t know what hit him.” Duda continued;</p><p>“What if I suck?” I confessed. That was one of my concerns. Not only I had to kiss a guy but what if above all I was super bad at it.</p><p>“You won’t suck.” Reassured Duda, I look at her almost too hopefully.</p><p>“Huumm… Actually maybe you will…” Inês intervened. Everyone looked at her a bit shocked. “Everyone sucks their first time.” She explained. “But he will enjoy it enough to do other times and then it will be much better, I’m sure.”</p><p>"So, the first will be bad no matter what I do?" I asked, concerned.</p><p>"Well, it definitely sucks a little less if you like the person. But… yeah, it's a little weird." Duda answered and I suddenly realized that she had already kissed someone. </p><p>I felt like an idiot. The immaculate virgin who had never done anything. I might as well just kiss Davi as fast as I could.</p><p>"Yeah, if you like him, you should go for it, Dali" confirmed Anabê. "Follow your heart, grab that mop haired boy and kiss his face."</p><p>We all laughed and then my mom popped at the deck, looking innocent and nonchalant,  but our sudden silence and discomfort was palpable.</p><p>"Girls! I hadn't seen you in a long time!" Mom sounded overly polite and opened her arms  as if to hug them all at the same time.</p><p>"Aunty Naomi" The girls shouted back, everyone except Duda who looked at me smiling. They stood up and hugged her one by one.</p><p>"Wow, Ana Beatriz. You look different without your braces." Mom complimented. "Inês, you are prettier by the second. How are your parents?"</p><p>"Great. They said they will attend this Sunday's service."</p><p>"Lovely. It will be great to have them back at the Parrish. Wow, Jasmine, you look so beautiful. And Luli! I talked to your parents just this morning. They were at the shop!" She said lively.</p><p>"They told me they would stop by." Luli said. "They wanted the new book by Father Mourão."</p><p>"Ah, that book is amazing. You gotta read it." Mom continued and then she turned her eyes around the room and spotted Duda. "Ah, you must be Duda. Dada told me all about the new friend she made in school."</p><p>"Yeah. I'm Duda. Nice to meet you Mrs. Dali's mom." Duda said, playfully.</p><p>"You can call me Aunty Naomi, like the girls do."</p><p>"Okay. Will do."</p><p>"Dada told me lots about you,"</p><p>That wasn't technically true. I had told mom about Duda, and I was refraining from talking about her all the time so my mom wouldn't get suspicious. But I wasn't talking about her as much as I wanted, so technically, much less than what I actually could.</p><p>"Oh no. What did she say?" Duda asked, faking concern.</p><p>"Only great things. Don't worry. I'm glad you guys made a new friend. They have been stuck by the hip ever since elementary school. They needed fresh blood in this little clique."</p><p>Everyone laughed again.</p><p>"Will you girls stay for dinner?"</p><p>"Ah, no, Aunty Naomi. I promised my mom I'd be home before dinner, so I better be going." Luli explained.</p><p>All the girls agreed and then they left one by one. Duda and Jas stayed a little longer to help clean up the mess we had done and then they left at the same time. </p><p>I was preparing to exclude myself in my bedroom when my mom called to the living room. She had this tone that I knew it was some sort of serious conversation.</p><p>Truth be told, I wasn’t very close to my parents. I mean, they were great parents and they catered for my every need and helped me with any problem. They taught me manners and organization, they gave me enough love and attention and were sweet people, most definitely. But we weren’t close. They were my parents and I was the daughter. We didn’t share, we didn’t talk about our feelings and fears. They were great providers and I was amazing at hiding stuff and not getting into trouble. And that had been working wonders for me ever since I was born.</p><p>But as I was growing, mom sometimes wanted to have these heartfelt conversations in which we shared our feelings. They were uncomfortable as hell. </p><p>“Can you help me set up the clock on the net device?” She asked. There was always this little excuse so that I couldn’t say no.</p><p>I helped her with the device and then she sat on the sofa, gesturing to me to sit with her too.</p><p>“I heard a little bit of the conversation between you and the girls” She said, finally.</p><p>I groaned quietly.  I knew where this was going. Awkward town.</p><p>“So… You like a boy?” She tried to sound young.</p><p>I just looked at her. If I said yes I would just be openly lying to her. And I hated lying.  Omitting, oh yeah. I will omit the hell out of anything that happens in my life. But straight up lying? If I could avoid.</p><p>She must have taken my pained face as affirmative because she continued.</p><p>“You are 15 now and that is normal, at your age. Falling in love. You can talk to me, you know?” She assured me.</p><p>“I know…” </p><p>“It’s important to know that boys don’t have the same mentality as girls. They might want different things. So don’t do anything you don’t want, ok?”</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>“Also, I know you are starting to consider your first kiss.”</p><p>I tried not to roll my eyes.</p><p>“I remember my first kiss.” She started</p><p>I almost stood up! I did not want to know about my mom trading saliva with some dude. I hid my face in my hands.</p><p>“Oh God…” I whispered.</p><p>“It was with your dad.” She said. I wasn’t expecting that.  We never talked much about their past, but I was not aware that my dad was my mom’s one and only boyfriend.  I mean, I was pretty sure she had married a virgin, because that is what catholic girls do (or they should). But that he was her first kiss too? I wouldn’t have imagined it.</p><p>“Oh,” I said. “Really?”</p><p>“I don’t think I ever told you how we met.” She continued. “He was friends’ with a friend from my school. They played football together. We met at the church’s June Party. I think it was love at first sight.” She sounded all dreamy.</p><p>“You just looked at him and you knew?” I almost enjoyed the conversation.</p><p>“Yeah.  He was so cute.” She laughed. “He won me a teddy bear at the Balloon and Dart game.” </p><p>“Is that the teddy bear in your room?” I asked. </p><p>“Yes.” She confirmed. I couldn’t believe my mom had kept that for so long. That was indeed quite sweet. “We went out several times and he asked my father if we could date.” She proceeded. The story was taking a conservative turn again. But it was still kind of charming. “Then, when he went out we kissed at the gates of my parents’ house.”</p><p>She concluded her story and I thought that was the cutest tale. My parents fought sometimes, but they also acted very much in love. He brought her flowers on random dates and she made his favorite meals just because it would make him happy. They were very happy and I wanted that. I always looked at them and thought I wanted a similar life, a similar happiness.</p><p>But how would I be able to achieve that? When I couldn’t even make myself enjoy a boy’s presence. Let alone his kissing.</p><p>“Your first kiss is unique, darling. It could be with someone that it won’t work out in the end. That is normal. But you’ve got to make sure it is with someone you like. Someone that makes you feel special, you understand?” She concluded.</p><p>I looked at her, trying to hide the pain in my eyes. </p><p>“You are right mom.” I said, but what I thought was “I don’t think you’ll enjoy the person I like...”</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. First Kiss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Our work was very much appreciated for history classes. The teacher gave us an A and he enjoyed the presentations so much he asked another one for the ancient Greeks. He also asked us to split up our larger groups and work in trios or groups of four.</p><p>The girls and I looked at each other a bit confused.  We weren’t so used to being separated. When it did happen, there were still only 5 of us and Anabê and Jas paired up and looked for other people to join them while Inês, Luli and I worked together. </p><p>It felt obvious to the five of us that the extra person with Anabê and Jas was probably Duda. But she grabbed my arm before the girls hadn’t even approached us.</p><p>“Can I be in your trio?” She asked and I nodded my head.</p><p>Inês and Luli looked at me a little upset. Because that meant they would be split up too.</p><p>“Hum… Maybe it could be, Me, Duda and Luli, and Anabê, Jas and Inês. What do you think?” I suggested.</p><p>Inês and Luli didn’t seem to mind that much after I had made the decisions. We pushed our chairs together and started working on our project. I wasn’t super sad about the combination. I obviously wanted to work with Duda. I felt a little guilty of wanting to be around her so much, but at the same time, she was obviously the smartest and had the most committed work behaviour. So I was trying to convince myself I just wanted to work with the smartest kid and not the cutest.</p><p>The project had to be postponed in our minds when China’s party was around the corner.</p><p>Only two weeks since my fiasco with Davi I had to face him again. </p><p>Rafa Yuen’s parties were huge. He didn’t only throw them for his birthday, but everytime he had an opportunity. His parents were a little permissive, despite Chinese people being considered really strict. They were demanding with school and as China had the highest grades in our year, they were okay with whatever he chose to do with his social life.</p><p>So of course I was nervous. China had invited every single person he knew to the party. Everyone from our year. People from his football team that are in other years and even schools. </p><p>His party was supposed to be huge. And fancy. And crazy.  So we all agreed to get there together. We met at Jas’ house on Saturday at about 4pm so we could get ready together.</p><p>An event in which I was already dreading. </p><p>Girls getting ready together meant they would take their shirts in front of you. I couldn’t give two shits about my regular friends. I had seen them shirtless when they were 7, I couldn’t care less about them now. Even with the breasts. They were my sisters and their bodies did nothing to me. But Duda was going to go. I was NOT ready to see that.  Especially when I was trying so hard to be straight. </p><p>So I decided to dress up at home, claiming my mom didn’t want me to take a bunch of clothes to Jas’ house. So I was wearing a black party dress and fancy shoes, earrings and necklace. I tried arriving at Jas’ house a bit later, imagining the girls would have been ready by then.</p><p>However, Jas opened the door with a towel wrapped around her head and I was alarmed. The girls weren’t ready yet. I started to silently lose my composure. I climbed the stairs to Jas’ room, my palms were sweating, my heart was pounding and I felt a little dizzy. I did not want to enter her room. </p><p>But when she revealed her bedroom, the scene was less scary than I thought. Yes, Inês was completely naked drying her hair in a corner. And Luli was wearing only her underwear. But Duda was fully clothed. Sitting at the pink bean bag Jas had.</p><p>She was wearing a striped black and white romper, with black knee boots. Her hair was loose and a bit disheveled. She looked dazzling. My heart almost stopped. But at least she wasn’t naked. I would have died.</p><p>“Another party-pooper who already came dressed!” Announced Jas.</p><p>“You too?” I asked Duda.</p><p>“Yeah, my mom doesn’t trust unknown people with her undressed child.” She said and we laughed.</p><p>I sat by her side on the bean bag. It was a bit tight, meaning our sides were glued. Our arms and knees were bumping against each other rather uncomfortably. I was never more aware of the hairs on my arm.</p><p>The girls took forever to get dressed. In the meantime, Duda and I commented on their outfits choices and also laughed and joked around of their tardiness. </p><p>When we were ready, we finally headed to the party. It was full of people already. The house itself was gigantic! Three floors, an enormous garden at the back with a pool. A great lawn in the entrance. All protected by a high and electrified wall. The lights were dimmed and the music was loud. There were people everywhere. In the living room, kitchen, garden. People were playing games all around, billiards, table tennis, there was obviously some drinking happening, but it was a bit concealed, because I could see the drunk teenagers, but not the source of the alcohol.</p><p>We found China by the pool. He and his friends were smacking each other with the spaghetti floaties. We hugged him and wished him a happy birthday. Duda, Anabê and I wandered away. While Jas and Luli stayed behind to flirt with the boys.</p><p>“Hey, you arrived!” It was Santi. He was standing above us with his 1,80. He contrasted with Duda so strikingly. She was the smallest of our friend group and Santi was the tallest of the year. And he talked to us, but he clearly meant her.</p><p>“Hi, Santi.” Anabê answered and we all greeted him with a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“Who wants to be beaten at pools?” He said, pointing at the billiards table in the dining room. </p><p>“Oh, you mean you want to be humiliated?” Duda played back. I hated their interactions. He always flirted so blatantly at her. And I was holding on to the hope that she was still in love with that Julio guy, because at least he was far away and I didn' t have to see them together. But she spoke so little of him lately, and Santi was always there. Making himself known.</p><p>“Dali. Let’s leave them and go find Davi.” Anabê whispered in my ear.</p><p>I look at the couple in front of me. They would be cute. He was handsome, she was pretty. Their kids would be fantastic. I nodded and followed her. We walked around the house, entered some bedrooms and then climbed down the stairs again and found Davi, Bento, the new guy, Joca and Joãozinho sitting on the grass by the side of the house. Davi was playing the guitar and Bento was banging on some boxes and Joca and Joãozinho were excitedly singing.</p><p>Anabê and I greeted them and asked to sit with them. The boys exchanged knowing looks with Davi. Not at all subtle. I felt a bit exposed, also, sitting on the floor wearing a dress is almost impossible, so I had to kneel.</p><p>We sang two more songs from a christian rock band the boys liked. It wasn’t as terrible as the music Gabriel, the music teacher liked, it was actually quite enjoyable. Then, Bento suddenly stood up, shaking the grass from his pants. </p><p>“I will get something to eat. Just a second.” He announced. He looked at the boys, purposely.</p><p>Joãozinho e Joca suddenly stood up too. “Yeah, we will come with you.”  And they disappeared.</p><p>“Do you want something to drink, Dali?” Anabê said. “I can go and get it.” But she didn’t hear my answer. She also scurried out of there and I was left alone with Davi.</p><p>I was sitting right across from him. He was holding his guitar like a shield and smiling at me. He did look cute. He had combed his hard to the side and his bangs weren’t on his eyes. He was wearing a polo shirt and dress pants. He had fancier shoes on. He probably made an effort to look as nice as he could. I appreciated that.</p><p>“Do you want to hear a song?” He asked. </p><p>“Yeah, that would be nice.”</p><p>“Which song?” </p><p>“I can request any song?” I asked.</p><p>“Yeah, better not. Do you know Lewis Capaldi?” He asked. I only knew one song and he decided to sing that one.</p><p>Davi had a good voice and he played the guitar well enough. We sang for a few minutes and it wasn’t that bad. We had fun. We laughed when he got a chord wrong. He finished the song and changed seats, placing himself by my side.</p><p>“Do you know how to play it?” He asked.</p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>“Here.” He handed me the arm of the guitar. “Place your fingers here.” He indicated the position and I tried. But he held my hand and corrected it.</p><p>It was supposed to be cute, right? I was supposed to be smitten by him. His attempt to teach me. To serenade me. But I was feeling a little numb. Like my senses were sleeping. I tried looking at his face and searched for beauty. What could I enjoy? His perky nose? His long eyebrows? His green eyes? Yeah, I could like his eyes. I kept looking at it and he must have felt something, because he tried again.</p><p>He approached me. This time slowly. And this time I was more prepared. I held my breath and allowed him to advance. </p><p>His lips touched mine rather lightly. It felt like a little feather was brushing against my lips and I wanted to laugh. But he pressed harder and I felt his chapped lips and the fuzz on his upper lip, a little prickly. It felt… Okay. It was like kissing my pillow when I “practiced”. I felt his tongue scrape my lips and he parted them and darted it inside my mouth.</p><p>The feeling changed. It wasn’t okay anymore. It was kind of… terrible. I felt myself gagging a bit. His mouth was wet and slippery, his drools were cold and clammy. His tongue felt like a slug in my mouth and I didn’t know what to do with it. I tried wagging my tongue around his mouth too and he muttered appreciatively, but I felt only repulsion.</p><p>I lightly pushed on his shoulder and we parted. His eyes were still closed when we separated. He tried to initiate a second kiss, but I just gave him a quick peck on the lips and hugged him, the guitar blocking our bodies from touching.</p><p>“I need to find Anabê.” I said, simply. He nodded in agreement.</p><p>I stood up, straightened my dress and bolted out of there.</p><p>I ran around the house, looking for a place to hide, a place to think. I was still a little overwhelmed by what had happened. I had kissed Davi. I had finally delivered my VL card. But I didn’t know exactly what to do with it. I almost hit Inês when I was trying to escape. She was in the living room with Duda and Luli.</p><p>They seemed to have been dancing before I hit them. They looked at the state of my face and dragged me out of the living room to the second floor. Luli led us to China’s bedroom (How she knew where China’s bedroom was is anyone’s guess). We sat on the floor next to his bed.</p><p>“Are you okay, Dali? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” Luli asked.</p><p>“I kissed him.” I whispered.</p><p>Inês clasped her hands together, Duda widened her eyes and Luli squeaked! </p><p>“O.M.G! You are not a maiden anymore!” Inês laughed.</p><p>“How was it? TELL US EVERYTHING!” Luli was shouting now.</p><p>I explained the kiss. Trying to flourish it a little. I excluded the part I wanted to puke and added butterflies in my stomach and other sort of things people should feel when they kiss someone for the first time.</p><p>“AW! That was so sweet! And you even have a song.” Luli shrieked.</p><p>“Yeah, so cute right?” I said, I forced a smile that I hoped looked sincere.</p><p>“That is a breakup song, though.” Duda laughed.</p><p>“Is it? Never realized.” Inês dismissed the comment.</p><p>“So, what next?” Continued Luli. “Will you start going out?” </p><p>“I don’t know. We kissed and then I left.” I answered.</p><p>“Maybe we can schedule a movie one of these days. Movies are a great place for kissing.” Inês suggested.</p><p>“Yeah, tomorrow?” Luli continued</p><p>“Yeah, good idea. Maybe next week?” I said. “Tomorrow we will all be tired because of the party.” I added. I didn’t want to see Davi right away.</p><p>I didn’t want to see him ever again. </p><p>“Yeah, that makes sense.” Duda concurred. “Let’s go enjoy the party a bit more, hun? I think they are playing The Weeknd”</p><p>I was glad Duda said that. I needed the distraction. I needed a nice normal party. </p><p>We climbed down the stairs and danced in the living room among the sea of teenagers. The song changed and a popular hip hop song began, Duda grabbed my hand and danced by my side. Inês was there too, and Luli, but I felt Duda’s presence so much bigger and the realization hit me. </p><p>I had felt more warmth and attraction on that silly hand holding feat on the dancefloor than the whole open-mouthed kissing that had occurred. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, how hard I wanted. I could not force myself to be something I was not. And that was a damn disappointment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Is this a date?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He started a chat asking things about me, about what I liked, what I wanted to do, what I knew. I answered his questions but I asked none in return. He didn’t need it, though. He answered his own questions too. He was so eager to talk to me. I felt terrible.</p><p>During the week, he tried talking to me during lunch time more than once and I always found a good excuse. I needed to discuss something with the Chem teacher. I needed to return this book to the library. I will talk to you after school.</p><p>Fortunately our schedules never matched after school and we couldn’t actually meet. He looked disappointed, but as I kept responding to his texts on the phone, he thought I was just busy and kept pursuing me.  On Friday, I had no more excuses to avoid him, he found me at lunch time as we were finishing eating.</p><p>Luli and Inês had already left when he arrived and Anabê and Jas grabbed their trays right away and disappeared. Duda was about to stand up when I grabbed her arm under the table. It was instinct. I didn’t want to be alone with him. It would be so awkward. And Duda was just there sitting next to me. And she hadn’t even finished her mashed potatoes (She ate so slowly).</p><p>She realized I wanted her to stay and without a word she sat down again.</p><p>“Hey Dali. How was your week?” He asked and sat across from us at the table.</p><p>Duda pretended to be very interested in her potatoes and I forced myself to smile at him.</p><p>“Ah, great. Lots of work, hun? The teachers weren’t kidding when they said high school was tougher.” </p><p>“Yeah, totally.” He nodded emphatically. “Hey, say, I was thinking. There is this new movie I want to see. It’s called ---. I was wondering… We could go. This Saturday. What do you think?” He seemed nervous. His voice was breaking a bit and he said everything rather fast.</p><p>“Ah, this Saturday?” I tried to look for an excuse for not going. “I can’t… I have to… We have this project. Luiz Fernando’s project. And I promised the girls we would try to complete it this Saturday.” I said, I could sense by the corner of my eyes Duda’s head shooting up and looking at me confusedly.</p><p>“Isn’t this project due in, like, 2 weeks?” He asked.</p><p>“Yeah, but we are all so busy. That was the only day we could meet.” I continued. “Right?” Now I was referring to Duda.</p><p>She looked at us a bit baffled, but assented. “Yeah, we got ambitious with the project and now we gotta pay our dues, am I right?” She laughed. </p><p>I sighed in relief that she just went along with my lie. That is what real friends are for. Not disappearing when a boy arrives.</p><p>“Ah, got it. Maybe next week?” He asked.</p><p>“Yeah. Maybe.” I confirmed. “Now, don’t we have to…?” I rambled.</p><p>“Yeah, you were going to show me how to book a computer.” Duda continued lying. She knew how to book a computer. That was the first thing we taught her when she arrived in school.</p><p>We took our trays to the tray area in silence and then headed to the Technology building.</p><p>“Is everything ok?” She asked as we walked towards the building.</p><p>“Sorry I made you lie.” I said. “I am just insecure about seeing him again.”</p><p>“Insecure?” She sounded confused.</p><p>“I am just not sure I really like him, you know?” I admitted. I have no idea why I was admitting that to her. But Duda so far had seemed such a judgment free friend. I felt like I could tell her things. “I don’t want to break his heart before I am sure of what I want.”</p><p>“Makes total sense.” She agreed. “Also, you don’t have to go out with anyone that you don’t want to.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Why are we going to the Technology building? I don’t actually need a computer.” We laughed and turned around. Going towards the patio again.</p><p>“You were so fast at lying. I should learn from you.” I said.</p><p>“It’s one of my superpowers. But say, why instead of a full lie, don’t we make this just a half one?” She said. I tilted my head in confusion. “We actually get together and discuss the project. What do you think?” </p><p>“Yeah, it wouldn’t be that bad. I will text, Luli.”</p><p>“Hey, no need. I will tell her myself during music class. We are practicing that song together after all.” Duda answered.</p><p>“Ok. Deal.”</p><p>“You guys can come to my house. I’ll ask my mom to bake cookies. You can come by at around 2pm? You have my address, right?”</p><p>I felt my hands start sweating. I was going to Duda’s house.  I had never gone there, obviously. And I was going to see her bedroom, the place where she kept her things, worked, daydreamed about that stupid Julio guy. I was unusually excited about it.</p><p>“No, will you send it to me?” </p><p>“Yeah, for sure. Now, let’s go play some table tennis.”</p><p>-- // -- </p><p>I don’t know why I was so nervous to go to Duda’s house. I mean, I knew why. Because everytime I was around her my whole body quivered. But theoretically, it made no sense. I had been to countless friends’ houses and it was always the same. Parents are extremely polite to you. A bit strict with their own child. They offer you water, offer you food and then let you go to said child’s room and then come in from time to time to make sure you aren’t smoking pot, or something.</p><p>My dad and mom had a lot of things at church to solve so I took an Uber to her place. It wasn’t that far, but my father was willing to pay for the ride, so I wasn’t going to say no.</p><p>She lived in an apartment actually. A huge one with at least 20 floors and those entertainment areas that are more like a club. The doorman let me in and when I stepped out of the elevator, Duda was already at the door to greet me.</p><p>She was wearing a black band t-shirt, a bit loose and dark blue jeans. She also had some sort of combat boots on and her hair was tied. She looked awesome, but it made me wonder why she was so dressed for being at home. Not that I expected her to be naked, but I was expecting shorts and flip flops, because that’s how I live my life in my house.</p><p>Her parents were sitting on the sofa watching TV. A boy of around 12 was there too, probably her brother. Her mom was also short with long blonde hair and blue eyes. Her father was tall and strong, but completely bald with a thick graying beard. Her brother looked very much like her, thin blonde hair and huge blue eyes with long eyelashes, but weirdly those feats did not fit a boy as well as it fit a girl and he looked rather feminine. Her family were polite to me, as expected but didn’t offer any food. Then we headed to her bedroom.</p><p>It wasn’t as big as I had imagined. There was a bed, slightly bigger than a single. Her wardrobe covered most of the wall and it was plastered with stickers and posters of bands and beautiful landscapes. There were pictures everywhere, of street lights, sidewalks, trees, random people walking, a valley. She caught me observing.</p><p>“I like to take pictures.” She said. “I even take a course.”</p><p>“I remember.” I said, without realizing. Of course I had memorized her schedule. “You are a great photographer.”</p><p>“Thanks.” She smiled and sat on the bed. I took the chair at her study desk.</p><p>“So, when is Luli coming?” I hadn’t texted my friend yet. I was so nervous to come to Duda’s home, I didn’t have the patience for anyone. I only hyperventilated in front of the mirror and got mad at a pimple that decided to appear in the middle of my forehead this morning, that I had concealed with powder. </p><p>“She isn’t.” She said. I looked at her confused.</p><p>“Look. Luli is lovely and all. But I kind of needed a break from her. If that is ok with you?” She said, playfully. I was definitely okay with spending the entire afternoon with only the two of us.</p><p>“Ah… Ok. I get it. Luli can be a lot sometimes.” We both laughed. “But what are going to do about the project?”</p><p>“Ahh…” Duda had a smirk on her face. A smile that made my heart skip several beats. She was so charming. “I was thinking we’d skip that as well. Maybe we can go and catch a movie. What do you think?”</p><p>I felt my breath catch. Watch a movie? Just me and Duda? Was I hearing it right? My hands that were already sweating were now a waterfall.</p><p>“Hum, did you call Anabê and Jas too?”</p><p>“No, just the two of us.  My dad said he can drop us off at the cinema” She explained. I tried not to look into it too much. I mean, Duda was friendly. And she was always a little more friendly to me. Because I was polite and calm. But she was normal. She had a crush on a guy named Julio. She flirted with Santi. She was looking at me with that grin again and I lost my train of thought.</p><p>“Yeah, totally.” I said, but my voice probably broke. “Now?”</p><p>“Yeah! Let’s get going. ‘Cause then we can eat something after it.” </p><p>She left the room and I stood there like an idiot trying to digest the turn of events until I heard her talking to her dad. When I appeared in the living room he had his keys on his hands.</p><p>“And the rest of the girls will meet you there?” He was saying.</p><p>“Yeah. Jas parents are taking them.” She responded.</p><p>I was a little taken aback by that. She had just told me the girls weren’t going. And now she was saying they were. I looked at her with my eyebrows raised and she gestured something that meant “later”.</p><p>We rode in their car until the mall. Duda’s dad. Mr. Maurício was really amiable and he told funny stories of Duda when she was young and being afraid of the traffic lights.  She rolled her eyes from the front seat while I observed her from the back seat. </p><p>He dropped us off right in front of the mall and then we watched him leave.</p><p>“Just wait…” She said.</p><p>“Ok”. I assented.</p><p>When her father had disappeared at the intersection, she grabbed my hand and led me to the other side of the street.</p><p>“HUN? What’s happening?” I shouted as we crossed the road.</p><p>“I was thinking. This mall is boring. Full of people we know. Let’s go somewhere a bit different.”</p><p>“What? How?” I was so shocked, my heart was racing, but I felt a gush of adrenaline.  Like I would follow her to the end of the earth if she invited me.</p><p>“Subway. Do you have any money?” She asked.</p><p>“No, just my emergency credit card.” I said. And then it dawned on me. How in the hell I was going to the movies without any money. And if I use my credit card, my dad would know that I was not where he left me.</p><p>“Don’t worry. I got you.” She said.</p><p>“Where to?”</p><p>We climbed down the windy stairs of the subway and stood in line to buy the ticket.</p><p>“I was thinking of Paulista Avenue,” She said.</p><p>“Isn’t that a bit far?” </p><p>“Yeah, but isn't it the point? Going a bit far from the usual here?” She answered and I blushed. </p><p>“Ok, makes sense. What will we do there?” I asked.</p><p>“Watch the movies. But somewhere… a bit freer.”</p><p>And her tone… changed. It was like she knew something. And I knew something. And we were sharing this secret. I wasn’t sure what the secret was, but it felt very familiar, like if she said one more hint, I’d get it.</p><p>She got the tickets and we climbed on the train. The ride was safe and simple. It wasn’t very hard to take the subway in São Paulo. All the lines made sense and were user-friendly. We laughed at the weird people that got in and got out. We discussed how annoying Luli could be sometimes and she told me an anecdote of the time she almost fell down the train gap.</p><p>I had never taken the subway before so I was kind of following her lead here. She knew how to get around. Her confidence was very enticing. She led the way and when I wondered somewhere crazy she grabbed me by the elbow and I felt electric shocks where she had touched.</p><p>“Have you ever been to Paulista before?” She asked, while we climbed the escalator out of the underground.</p><p>“Of course I have!” I tried to sound surprised by her lack of faith in my adventures.</p><p>“With your parents during christmas to see the lights?” She asked.</p><p>“Yeah…” I answered defeated and she laughed. “You?”</p><p>“With friends only once. And it is the best place, you know… To just.. Be who you want to be.” She said and we went out.</p><p>I have to admit I was a bit taken aback by the huge buildings and the amount of people and colours. There were so many things happening at the same time. We crossed the street and there were skateboarders, homeless people, businessmen and women, a dog playing with a kid and a frisbee, some kids rapping, an old couple, a gay couple… Actually, so many gay couples. Guys and girls, holding hands, hugging, there were these two guys fully making out in front of the huge mall entrance.</p><p>I felt… Like I could actually belong there.</p><p>“Let’s eat some ice cream before the movie?” She asked.</p><p>“That sounds awesome” </p><p>We found an ice cream parlour that was quite popular among young people and Duda bought us one scoop each. I got chocolate with marshmallows and she got raspberry. We sat at the sidewalk where people were riding their bikes and tried our treats.</p><p>“Wow, this is amazing!”</p><p>“Yeah, I have always wanted to try this one.” </p><p>“Can I have a bit of yours?” I have no idea where this courage was coming from, but here I was, asking if I could taste my crush’s ice cream. </p><p>She nodded and I used my spoon to scoop a bit of her ice cream. It was sour, but sweet. She did the same to mine and closed her eyes to taste the chocolatey dessert. I stared at her, eyes shut, licking her plastic cutlery. I felt my chest warm up. She turned her baby blues and smiled at me.</p><p>“Delicious.” She said.  And I blushed, unintentionally.</p><p>We were quiet for a second, observing the passersby and savoring our ice cream. It wasn’t awkward. I was content, the sun was shining softly, the street wasn’t crowded, but lively and Duda was pleasant company, who made me feel comfortable about myself.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Duda interrupted the silence. “Personal.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course.” I answered and turned myself towards her, so we could face each other.</p><p>She looked down, fumbled with her necklace. Then she put strands of hair that had fallen from her ponytail behind her ears. She cracked her knuckles. She was obviously nervous.</p><p>"Ah… hum…" She mumbled. "Are you gay?"</p><p>I was expecting any question. Literally any. "Do you like someone?",  "will you be my blood donor?", "Can you lend me 10 thousand bucks?". But the question that did come out of her mouth caught me completely by surprise, my mouth fell open and I felt myself panic.</p><p>"Ahh… what? No, I mean… I… how… why are you asking me that?" I sounded so desperate that my tone was accusatory. </p><p>"Because…" she pondered. "I might… well… be interested… in you… in a gay way." She completed. Her energy was so different from the usual Duda. She was always so confident and assertive. Now she sounded nervous and terrified. </p><p>I could not believe the words that were coming out of her mouth right now. Eduarda Dioli. The girl who I had had a crush on since the first second I saw her. Who was allegedly in love with this hot guy and was constantly flirting with the hunk of our year. Duda, the sweet, lovely and funny girl who had become my friend. Her. She had just said she might have feelings for me. Gay feelings nonetheless.</p><p>I was so astonished that I forgot to answer. Her pretty eyes were clouded by concern and she opened her gorgeous lips to speak.</p><p>"I'm sorry, if I freaked you out, I didn't mean to…"</p><p>"Yes." I interrupted suddenly.</p><p>"What?" She sounded confused.</p><p>"Yeah, I am…" and then I was going to say it. I was going to say the thing I was the most scared of out loud. I was going to reveal my secret. "Yeah, I am gay."</p><p>And there it was for the whole world to hear. I felt like I couldn't take it back anymore. Like I had officialized it to the universe.</p><p>Duda looked at me through her eyelashes. She had a relieved expression on her face.</p><p>"I knew it!" She said, triumphantly. I looked at her surprised, eyes widened. </p><p>"How did you know?" </p><p>"I have excellent gaydar." She said casually. "It is one of the things you get when you are gay"</p><p>"Well… I didn't get one, because I never would have guessed…" I pointed at her, still a little taken aback.</p><p>"Oh, I hide it very well. Don't be too hard on yourself." She explained, in a mock tone.</p><p>"I don't hide it well?" I asked, sounding a little concerned.</p><p>She gave me a pity expression and I looked at her shocked. If she caught on to that, then everyone would know! My face probably showed that thought, because she continued.</p><p>"Well, maybe to the untrained eye of the bunch of straights in our school, you hide it very well." She explained and I looked a little more relieved. "But  I mean, that whole Davi thing…"</p><p>"Good Lord." I buried my head in my hands. "That was awful!".</p><p>"Did you really kiss him?" She asked, a little surprised.</p><p>"Yeah! It was terrible. I mean, maybe he is just a bad kisser, I don't know if it was just because he is a guy."  I explained.</p><p>"It's probably both?" She answered and we laughed.</p><p>"Was that too obvious that I didn't like him?" I asked.</p><p>"Hum, I guess I could see the gay panic in your eyes. But the girls thought you were just scared and in love." She continued. "Anabê was really invested in your relationship with him." </p><p>We both laughed. It was comforting to be able to talk about this so openly. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been hiding everything for so long that I was starting to lose focus of who I was. What was real. And this conversation, as crazy as it was, felt like the most real I had even felt in a year</p><p>“Also, you weren’t that discreet when you were… Hum… Looking at me.” She revealed and I felt my heart sink.  Oh God. She noticed that. I tried so hard to be casual, to be friendly.  I probably just ogled her like a degenerate.</p><p>“Oh no…” I whined and covered my eyes. “I’m so sorry…”</p><p>“Oh, don’t be sorry. I probably just realized it because I also couldn’t stop staring at you.” She answered and I felt the heat reach my face. I looked at her and she looked so, so pretty. Was she really saying these things to me? If I wasn’t daydreaming, I was probably the luckiest person on the planet. Was I imagining this conversation? </p><p>“Oh, you were looking… at me?” My voice came out barely a whisper and Duda laughed heartily, she looked very real.</p><p>“Of course. You are really cute, you know?” She answered and my face heated up so much I felt like I could fry an egg on my forehead.</p><p>“What? With Inês standing right by my side?” I mean, everyone knew Inês was the pretty girl in school. All the boys would die for a chance to be with her.</p><p>“Bah…” She dismissed what I said. “She is not my type. I’m not into blondes.”</p><p>“But you are blonde!” I answered.</p><p>“Yeah! We would look like two anemic people. Or a pair of Victorian sisters who are too sick to go outside.” She joked and I laughed, still unbelieving. </p><p>She looked at me and there was this spark between us. I wasn’t insane, was I? I had felt so attracted to her ever since I met her. And knowing it wasn’t one-sided, it was like I had just won the lottery.</p><p>“So.. Let’s go catch that movie. Or else it’ll be too late.” Duda affirmed and stood up. She held down her hand to help me up and I took it.</p><p>“So, is this like… a movie date?” I asked, looking down at her. Our hands still clasped together. </p><p>“Yeah, like a date.” She confirmed, and pulled me to follow her towards the movie.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. The beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a fun and exciting picture. We did watch it. I was nervous the whole time, thinking something else would happen, but I guess we were both too hesitant to actually make any moves.</p><p>Besides holding hands. We sat in the dark cinema, popcorn and coke on the cupholders. A more exciting scene came on and we were taken by surprise. Duda grabbed my hand from the arm seat. And she didn’t let go. She played with my fingers a bit, our eyes glued to the screen and then we interlocked fingers. It was difficult to concentrate on what was happening on the film.</p><p>We left the movies excitedly, hands still clasped and discussing the occurrences on screen animatedly.</p><p>“I really like these types of films.” Duda concluded, as we walked to the sidewalk.</p><p>“So, you are an action person?” I asked.</p><p>“Oh, definitely. I mean, I can watch a drama, but I like not thinking for 2 hours of my life.” She explained.</p><p>“Oh, I’m a sucker for crying.  I love a movie that will make me cry.” I said.</p><p>“I am not surprised by that.” Duda answered in a mocking tone. I bumped her with my shoulder.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Well, you are a sweet and cute girl.  I bet you like those really lovey-dovey movies.” She guessed.</p><p>I tried to be mad, but who was I kidding? Of course I loved those mushy, sappy romantic comedies. I accepted my defeat and she laughed.</p><p>“I think we should go.  We should eat in the shopping mall.”</p><p>“Why?” I didn’t want to leave. Ever. That had so far been the absolutely best day of my life. I was not looking forward to going back to my insipid catholic life.</p><p>“Because that is where my parents think we are. And if we at least eat there, it will be less of a lie.” She explained.</p><p>“Makes sense. And we could run into people that we know. They could vouch for us being there.” My parents wouldn’t appreciate it. But being at the local mall with a friend, is better than being at Paulista with my lesbian crush.</p><p>We crossed the street, heading for the subway. I was leading the way now, but I felt a tug behind me when we were reaching the entrance. Duda pulled me to the corner and we were obscured by a street lamp.</p><p>“Hum…” She started, hesitation in her eyes. “Before we go… There was something I wanted to… You know?”</p><p>I knew. She looked cute with her hair falling from her ponytail and intense eyes, her cheeks were very red and her hands were starting to get a little clammy.</p><p>“So…” She continued. “Can I…?” She let the sentence trail on.</p><p>“Yes, you can.” I said simply.</p><p>This was such a different feeling from Davi. I was forcing myself when I kissed him. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a normal teenager who kisses a boy at a party. But I was so far from it. I was the gay kid, who kisses a girl in the middle of a crowded street, next to a homeless guy. </p><p>She put both of her hands on my waist and pulled me a bit closer and I leaned in, closing the distance between us. </p><p>Her lips were soft and she smelled of bubblegum (probably because we had had bubblegum flavored cotton candy at the movies). Her whole face was smooth and hot against mine. I held her face with one hand and pressed ourselves closer. She moved her lips over mine, slowly, and I forgot the outside world.</p><p>I forgot I was in the middle of the sidewalk, that the cars were rushing by, and that other people even existed. We parted lips at the same time and I could taste the sweetness in her mouth right away, intoxicating. Her grip at my waist was firm and I let my hand slip from her face to the back of her head, she muttered, appreciatively. I felt her lips vibrating against mine and I didn’t want this feeling ever to be over.</p><p>She stepped away a bit, if for air or to end the kiss, I wasn’t so sure, but as soon as I breathed a bit of oxygen I slipped my arms to her waist and pulled her closer this time. She laughed against my mouth, but kissed me eagerly. </p><p>It was the exact opposite of kissing Davi. When I kissed him, I felt cold and numb and terrible. Kissing Duda was warm and inviting, and my whole body reacted, as if it had been connected to energy. I could feel my heart pumping blood to my ears and where her hands touched me were like a blaze, but a flame I seemed to desperately need.</p><p>I finally ended the kiss. I stepped away from her and looked down (she was at least half a palm smaller than me, the top of her head reached my nose). Her eyes were still closed, but she was smiling. I felt my chest fill with something warm and pleasant.</p><p>“Wow.” That is all I could say.</p><p>“Yeah.” She answered and we both burst into giggles, still holding on to each other.</p><p>I looked around but nobody seemed to care that two girls had just shared a passionate kiss. Nobody seemed to care about anything at all. I loved this place.</p><p>“We better go back or else we won’t have time to eat anything.” She concluded and I nodded.</p><p>We held hands and entered the subway. The ride back my chest was still bursting with that sunny feelling. But when the doors opened to our stop we let go of our claps and trod on the platform.</p><p>“So, we are back…” She uttered, hesitantly.</p><p>“Yeah, back to reality.” I sighed.</p><p>“I hate reality.” She complained and we chuckled.</p><p>“It sucks.” I agreed.</p><p>“Look, we gotta be super straight here.” She said, her tone of advice.</p><p>“I can be super straight.” I sounded offended.</p><p>“Meh… You can improve your straightness…” She mocked. “I can help you with that.”</p><p>We went back to the shopping mall and chose a hamburger place to eat. We sat at the food court with our sodas french fries and sandwiches, across from each other. She leaned over her snack to keep talking.</p><p>“So, as I was saying. You have to stop claiming you are in love with people that exist and they can match-make you. That will lead to disaster.” Duda explained.</p><p>“I used to say I didn’t have a crush on anyone. That I was more worried about school…” </p><p>“That is bad too. Everyone has a crush. And if they don’t want to say it’s because it’s compromising. Either it’s on the person who is asking or it’s gay.” Duda sounded very wise so I nodded in agreement.</p><p>“But what, then?” </p><p>“You have to invent a dude.” </p><p>“Wait? So you invented that guy?? Julio is a fake?” I was dumbfounded. He looked so real.</p><p>“No, he is a real boy. I just don’t have a crush on him. And he is far away from everyone so as not to interfere with my life.” Duda elucidated.</p><p>“Ah… So you don’t even know him?”</p><p>“Ah little. He is my cousin’s friend.” She admitted. “In the other school I said he was from my club.”</p><p>“Ah, and nobody goes after him?” </p><p>“Nobody is that invested in my life to actually track him down.” She related. “So it’s easy to get away with it.”</p><p>“But I have never studied anywhere else. I have swimming classes in the same place and day as Luli. The only other place I go is to my painting course and there are only old ladies there. Everyone will know I am lying if I invent a super hot dude.”</p><p>“Well… Maybe you can find that guy later. Now you have to deal with Davi…”</p><p>“OH NO. I completely forgot about him.” I felt bad. He had completely slipped my mind, Duda snorted.</p><p>“Poor dude. But you got to end things with him. First of all, it’s kind of bad to lead him on. Second of all, I don’t think I want the competition.” She said and I blushed. </p><p>“No, of course I will end things with him. I just don’t know how…”  I said.</p><p>“We’ll think of something… I’ll help you.” Duda reassured me and I felt a bit safer.</p><p>We ate our snacks in between laughter and jokes. As soon as we finished her phone rang. It was her father wondering when she was coming home. She looked at me and I confirmed we could go home.</p><p>He picked us up and dropped me off at home. I said goodbye to them casually from the car. I looked one more last time at Duda and I controlled my urge to just run back to the car and grab her face.  But I was sure her father wouldn’t appreciate that, so I just waved at them.</p><p>“How was your day? Did you finish your project?” Mom asked as soon as I entered home. </p><p>I blinked at her several times before I answered.  I couldn’t just say the truth “Oh mom, I didn’t study. I lied, I went to the gayest street in São Paulo and then made out with a girl on the sidewalk. It was awesome.”. But lying blatantly would be bad too, so I chose a compromise.</p><p>“Oh, we ended up not studying. Luli couldn’t go, so Duda and I watched a movie.” Partially true, we did not study, technically Luli couldn't go because she wasn’t even aware of the event and Duda and I had, in fact, watched a movie.</p><p>“Well, don’t let your work for the last minute, hun, honey?” Dad advised.</p><p>“I won’t.” I assented. I wanted to go to my bedroom and scream into my pillow. I could barely maintain a straight face, my smile was probably too wide, because my dad continued.</p><p>“Was it a good movie? You look really happy.” He said.</p><p>“Yeah, so funny.” I said. I moved towards the stairs.</p><p>“What was the name?” He insisted.</p><p>I said the name of the movie we watched this afternoon, knowing he wouldn’t know what I was talking about. “You wouldn’t like it. It’s for teenagers. I am going to my bedroom.” </p><p>I climbed to my bedroom as fast as I could, where I could be alone and relive today’s events as many times as I wanted.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Texting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Duda Dioli [10:02] </em>
</p>
<p><em> Yesterday was the best. I wished I could see you again today. </em>😍</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her text came in, I was in the middle of church.</p>
<p>The mass was over but my mom had catechism duties and dad was discussing something with the priest.  I stayed in the Youth Group every Sunday because I wanted to make my parents happy. But it was hard to sit through the conversation and the singing.</p>
<p>There was a new song being introduced today when my phone bleeped. I looked down and could barely contain my happiness. I felt like the warmth that radiated out of me could be felt from across the room. I texted back, secretly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Me  [10:02] </em>
</p>
<p><em> Me too. I’m stuck in church </em> 😭 <em> I much preferred being with you </em>😊</p>
<p>
  <em> Can’t you escape it and come and see me? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Oh, how I wish that was possible. But if I want my mom to  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> ever let me out of the house again, I have to be here. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Yeah, you got to make her happy. So we can go out a lot. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Next time, I’ll pay, don’t worry. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Oh, I’m already excited. What will we do? </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My first answer to that question was not very christian. I thought of something besides “make out’, but before I could answer with a witty retort, the youth leader shouted my name.</p>
<p>I put my phone scaredly and looked up desperately.</p>
<p>“Haven’t we discussed phones in the house of worship?” He asked and I had to try very hard not to roll my eyes.</p>
<p>“Sorry. I’m putting it away.” </p>
<p>I hated the idea of leaving Duda on read, but it was better than trying to answer and getting my phone confiscated. The texts weren’t so compromising. But they would raise questions.</p>
<p>The meeting seemed to take forever to finish. And then my mom and dad decided to have lunch with some friends from church at the nearby restaurant. And I did not dare to touch my phone. Their noisy friends would ask me who I was texting so much that I couldn’t stop smiling (it was hard to control my goofy smile when I wasn’t talking to her. When I was it would be impossible).</p>
<p>“Are you sixteen, already, Dalila?” Suellen, mom’s noisiest friend asked me from across the table. I had just stuffed my mouth full of spaghetti, so I smiled politely.</p>
<p>“She is still fifteen. Sixteen only in September.” Dad answered.</p>
<p>I swallowed the food, sharp. “Yeah, the 29th.”</p>
<p>“Ah, so you are almost Theo’s age.” She stated.</p>
<p>“Theo is 16 already?” Mom asked.</p>
<p>“Turning 17 next month, actually.” Suellen answered.</p>
<p>“We barely see him around the church anymore…” Ítalo, another mom and dad’s friend said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, he is going through a rebel phase.” Leon, Suellen’s husband answered. “We wanted him to see how church can be fun. Maybe you can talk to him, Dali.” He suggested.</p>
<p>I looked at him horrified. I can’t believe I was having lunch with these people and I had to hear this heteressexual nonsense.</p>
<p>“Ah… Maybe… I mean…” I stuttered.</p>
<p>“As a friend, don’t worry.” Reassured Suellen.</p>
<p>“Better as a friend. Dali has a boyfriend in school now.” Dad said and I fulminated my mom with a look. What had they been talking behind my back?</p>
<p>“WHAT?” I tried not to alter my voice, but it was hard.</p>
<p>“It isn’t a boyfriend. They call it crush now…” Mom explained.</p>
<p>Oh my God.” I muttered.</p>
<p>“Honey, don’t blaspheme.” Mom warned. “But Dali would be glad to show Theo around the church, wouldn’t you?”</p>
<p>I was about to say that no way in hell I would do that. But maybe it wasn’t so bad. He could be my buffer crush. He wasn’t going to enjoy the church. And when he disappeared again I could use his face to make people believe I had a normal boy crush and not a sinful (albeit absolute incredible) lesbian crush.</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course I can show him around.”</p>
<p>“Oh, you are lovely. I’ll try to convince him to come next Sunday.” Suellen looked delighted.</p>
<p>The lunch was dull after that. I wanted to go home as fast as possible so I could text with Duda and because I was so eager the hours seemed to draw out.</p>
<p>When we finally arrived I ran to my room like a bolt and was finally able to answer. There were two extra texts from Duda.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Duda Dioli [10:36]</em>
</p>
<p><em> Hummm. Did the blessed children of Christ mute you? </em>😥👀</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Duda Dioli [11:19]</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Ok, ok. You must be really into singing the hymns. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Let me know when you are no longer at the house of the Lord.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Me  [13:09]</em>
</p>
<p><em>SORRY!!</em> 😭😭😭</p>
<p>
  <em>My mom made me go to lunch with her Blessed friends</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> and I had to pretend their conversation was interesting 🤯🔫</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But one of her friends mentioned their teenage son and </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I had an idea for a crush!</em>
</p>
<p>I was afraid she was going to leave me on read so I could taste my own medicine but she responded right away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I thought I was your crush. </em>
  <b>😟</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He is a pretend one! <strong>🙄</strong> So that people </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>can buy that I am super straight. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>AHHH!! I was concerned for a second there…</em>
</p>
<p>🙄🙄😒😘</p>
<p>
  <em>Ok. You tell me!</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I told her my plan of pretending I liked my mom' friend's teenage son.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>And what will you tell your mom?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That I still like someone from school. And it </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>won't even be a lie. I'll just omit the name.</em>
</p>
<p><em>And the gender</em> 👭</p>
<p><em>That too</em>.🤣🤣</p>
<p>
  <em>And will it be okay if your friends and your family </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>have different information?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They will never discuss that. It's not like I</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> talk about my life with my family.</em>
</p>
<p><em>According to your mom you said a lot about me</em> 😋</p>
<p><em>OH, I didn't say even HALF of what I could sa</em>y🤭</p>
<p><em>Oh really? And what did you want to say?</em> 😏</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I stopped the texting for a second so that I could squee. I hugged my pillow to conceal the sounds I was emitting. I tried to recompose myself so that I could continue texting.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I will tell you when we meet alone again</em> 😝</p>
<p><em> Oh</em> 😳😳 </p>
<p>
  <em>And when will that be?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, we'll see each other tomorrow.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Yeah, we can try to escape one of the classes. </em>
</p>
<p><em>I am looking forward to that</em> 🥰</p>
<p>
  <em>So, I was just listening to this band, called The xx . Have you heard of it?</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And we spent the entire afternoon texting. We talked about the bands we liked and the TV Shows we watched. I introduced her to my emotional support show and she had never watched it. So we watched a few episodes together. Meaning that we saw it in our bedrooms and texted each other the whole way through.</p>
<p>I was so smitten by her. The way she said flattering things. That she wasn't afraid to say which girls she thought were pretty. Once we talked about being gay, I felt like I was getting a whole new side of Duda. And I was enjoying it whole-heartly. She was getting a new version of me too. Maybe a full version, in which I could talk about anything I wanted, no secrets.</p>
<p>We only stopped our conversation to have dinner and I interacted with my family so little that they were even confused a bit. We talked almost all through the night and went to sleep at about 2 am. </p>
<p>I was exhilarated about seeing her tomorrow. I wasn't sure how I was going to react. I knew I had to be super straight. But I wasn't sure I could hide my true feelings anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>12. A Moment Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Turns out, hiding was actually very easy. Being alone with Duda was a whole other story.</p><p>On Monday we tried arriving early so we could have a moment to speak by ourselves.  But as soon as I arrived, Anabê was already there, so that was a no go.</p><p>On Tuesday Luli wanted to talk about the history project in every little break we had so we couldn't even escape to the restroom without her breathing down our necks.</p><p>On Wednesday Luli insisted we get together to rehearse for the presentation. We got together in my house after our swimming lesson.</p><p>We practiced and rehearsed plenty of times until it felt like an A+ work. Duda tried staying a little later a lot. Everytime Luli suggested going home she would say:</p><p>"Yeah, let's. You go ahead and I'll call my mom." </p><p>And Luli instead of just leaving (she lived in the street behind mine, she could just walk there), she stayed until Duda couldn't wait any longer and just called her mom.</p><p>Luli only left after Duda was actually in the car so we couldn't even like, hold hands or anything. When they drove away she looked back at me with a pained expression on her eyes and I felt that.</p><p>On Thursday we hadn't had a single time for ourselves. Being straight was actually easier than I thought. We did text over the phone every night and we even facetimed on Wednesday to discuss Luli's clinginess. But face to face, it hadn't happened yet.</p><p>On that day we had two P.E classes in a role before Mass. The teacher had just asked us to run for 1 hour straight and then do a bunch of sit ups and squats. We were exhausted. I simply wanted to sit down and cry, but we had to climb down five flights of stairs and cross the entire patio to get to the church.</p><p>We were about to leave the gym when I saw Duda was forgetting to take her water bottle.</p><p>"Duda, you forgot your…" I started to warn, but she cut me off with a hand motion and an intense expression.</p><p>I quieted down. I wasn't sure of her intentions, but I just followed her instructions. </p><p>The girls and I headed to the church and when we were three flights down, Duda started patting her backpack frantically. We all looked at her with a confused expression, and then it dawned on me why she left the bottle behind.</p><p>"Oh no!" She muttered.</p><p>"What happened?" Inês asked, confused.</p><p>"I think I forgot my water bottle upstairs..." she sounded devastated. </p><p>Everyone groaned in frustration.</p><p>"Really, Duda! Come on!" Luli complained.</p><p>"I'll go up there and pick it up."</p><p>"Leave it for tomorrow. We'll be late for mass and you know how Father Mauro is about tardiness." Luli decided.</p><p>"I can't," Duda insisted. "My mom gets very mad when I forget things. Look I'll go up and you guys go ahead…"</p><p>"Ok. But try not to be super late." Warned Jas.</p><p>I was racking my brain for an excuse to follow Duda. But I couldn't think of any reason why I should go up with her and I was almost giving up and saying bye when Anabê came in with my salvation.</p><p>"Do you want one of us to go with you so you are not late by yourself?" She suggested.</p><p>"Ah, that would be nice." Duda looked at me, too knowingly.</p><p>"I can go." I said before Anabê offered. She was too considerate for her own good. "I am needing the extra workout.”  I joked and they laughed. Great, they bought it.</p><p>We climbed the stairs upwards while the rest of our friends continued downwards. We were silently the whole way up, mostly because we were exhausted from the P.E. class, but also because I was nervous. I knew what we were about to do, but I was edgy either way.</p><p>We finally reached the gym again. It was empty. Duda shouts the teacher's name a couple of times to check if he was there but no one responded. She turned to me and smiled and I couldn't help but blush.</p><p>She grabbed my hand and we looked for a place. We knew what we were after. Somewhere a little more covered, just in case someone bursted in the gym unannounced.</p><p>We choose the path to the locker room behind the bleachers. She leaned against the wall and pulled me a little closer, I placed one arm above her on the wall.</p><p>"I almost didn't understand the bottle thing…" I start saying.</p><p>"I am so glad you got it. But humm, we can talk later and we don't have a lot of time…" she sounded embarrassed, but I totally got her.</p><p>I leaned forward and we kissed. For the second time.</p><p>I had been scared that it wasn't going to be as good as the first time. That maybe it was a fluke, and turns out I was terrible at it and Duda wouldn't want to kiss me again.</p><p>But it was as awesome as the last time. I felt my whole body heat up. She was warm and inviting, her fingers dug against the fabric of my t-shirt and I pressed myself against her. She hugged me tighter and we opened our mouths.</p><p>Kissing with a tongue is a strange and gross concept, but why does it feel so good when you are actually attracted to the person? I felt my whole body shiver at the sensation of her inside my mouth, my hands running through her hair.</p><p>We were completely lost in each other when we heard the door to the gym banging shut and that broke us apart rather forcefully. I looked at her with wide eyes. Her hair was messy, her cheeks were red, her full lips were a bit puffier and her blue eyes were glazed. She definitely looked like someone who had just been snogged. I motioned so that she fixed her hair and I adjusted my t-shirt.</p><p>We popped out of our hiding spot and Tarcício, the teacher, was there. He spotted us and looked confused.</p><p>"What are you two still doing here?" He asked, rather rudely.</p><p>"Oh, sorry, teacher. But I forgot my water bottle. We were looking for it." Duda explained. </p><p>"You mean that water bottle?" He pointed at the object sitting in plain sight, right under the basketball hoop.</p><p>"Oh, that is right! I thought it was in the locker room" She smacked her head and ran to pick up her bottle. I smiled at the teacher politely and as soon as Duda was in the possession of her bottle we ran out of there.</p><p>"God, that was so close!" She exclaimed.</p><p>"I know. I'm so glad he bangs that door. At least we could hear him." I agreed.</p><p>"We can't be careless like that again." Duda warned.</p><p>"You right.. it's just…" I mean of course we couldn't be caught. But it's not like I was regretting the encounter. It is definitely what I needed before a very boring mass.</p><p>"I know. I really wanted it too. We just…" Duda trailed off.</p><p>We continued climbing down the stairs until we reached the patio. We ran across it when we heard the bells indicating the beginning of the ceremony.</p><p>"We have to find a way that we can… you know… without risking so much." she explained.</p><p>"Definitely. I just can't think of anything. There is always something…" </p><p>"I'll call you tonight and we'll develop a plan. What do you think?" She suggested and I agreed.</p><p>We had finally reached the doors to the mass it had just begun, but we would probably get an earful of Father Mario next time we ran into him.</p><p>"How do I look? Straight enough to enter the house of the Lord?" Duda asked, presenting herself with open arms.</p><p>I remembered her up in the gymnasium. Her eyes clouded with what I could only describe as desire, and her mouth dancing against mine. I don't think I could ever call her straight, ever again.</p><p>"Straight enough." I mocked and we entered the church, praying that God wasn't going to be that mad at us.</p><p>Luli, Anabê, Inês and Jas were in the middle pews and they had obviously saved us a seat. We tiptoed in and sat next to them.</p><p>"What the heck took you guys so long?" Luli whispered to me while everyone was singing a glory song.</p><p>"It was tiresome to go up and down again." I explained. "I think I need to exercise more."</p><p>The mass ran along as expected, when we stood up to take communion I hesitated a little and I saw Duda doing the same. The same thought probably crossed her mind. Are we still worthy of receiving the body of Christ? After our secret encounters, the way we were, were we well received by Him? But I stood up and entered in line nonetheless. Not taking it would attract way more attention. I'll deal with Jesus later. </p><p>I stood up and tried to concentrate on the part of the bible that said that God made us and loved us exactly like we were. And he wouldn’t make me a lesbian and then hate me for it, right? </p><p>While in line to take the Sacrament, I felt someone poke me lightly on the shoulder. I turned around and it was Davi. He was beaming and looked excited to be behind me in line.</p><p>“So, I was thinking. You said you were free this Saturday.  We could go to the mall.” He suggested.</p><p>God, he wasn’t going to give up. I tried to find an excuse to escape, but I couldn’t think of anything.</p><p>“Hum, I’ll have to ask my mom.” I said, finally.</p><p>“Oh. Can you confirm tomorrow?” He asked.</p><p>I nodded and turned myself to the altar again. What would I tell this boy? He looked so eager, so enthusiastic. I didn’t want to break his heart. But his presence made me feel like a white blank sheet of paper. And now that Duda and I were… I felt my face blush. I shouldn’t be thinking about these things before receiving communion. I tried focusing on mild subjects for the rest of the mass and trained myself to calm my heart.</p>
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